At times I can be very anxious. I believe I am an extroverted, anxiety ridden blob of fear. So I want all the attention but at the same time I'm afraid it's all negative and people are judging me very harshly.
I think that's the culprit of my past bad interviews. I mean, they are truly there to judge you and because I think low of myself anyway, I'm already a disaster because I now have to convince people who aren't me and don't know the crap in my head that I'm worth a damn so I ramble and try to explain better and end up using too many words that say nothing and now they think I may not even have the brain functionality of a 12 year old. I stare at them and my brain goes through about 100 different things they are thinking, and then THAT gets in the way of my mouth and sometimes I lose my train of thought and because it was a malfunctioning train to begin with I'll never get it back on track so I just sit there and pretend like I'd made a real thought and that it answered their question while I become awkwardly silent.
I'm sure I drive those who know me crazy. Because I am extroverted, the fact that I'm terrified of the resulting attention probably never occurs to them. When people laugh at something funny I said, or tell me positive things, I hardly know what to do with myself. I get this insane euphoric feeling while at the same time questioning their sanity and motives. Not always, and not always even in a big way, but it's there.
So after that, we have the part where I, every once in a while, get into a funk so heavy I feel desperately alone and hungry for human contact and then severely disappointed when that contact fails to make me feel any better. I know it's because contact is not likely what I need. Or at least not in the strict sense. I need closeness. I need uninterrupted, unencumbered, quality one on one time and there isn't a whole lot in our daily lives that lends itself to that encounter. So I get in a cycle of checking social media because hey! those people are my friends, and then feeling even worse because seeing where someone ate lunch that day, or took vacation, or missed the bus because their alarm sucks doesn't give me that one on one connection.
This stupid funk can last for days and I vacillate. I know I need to voice my feelings as best I can, and I know I need to make myself come out of it enough to force myself to make my needs clear, but then we're back to the part where I can feel really crappy about myself and why even bother sharing? It's my stupid brain, and my stupid thoughts, and it takes so much effort sometimes to even say anything let alone something that will make sense to another human.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Job Search
I quit my job at State Farm in June. It has now been three months since I've been employed. I have had two face to face interviews, and one phone interview. I have revamped my cover letters to attempt to set myself apart. I have tried to appeal to human nature and explain my shortcomings while not making it apparent I have any. I have included a photo of myself to show I am a real person and not just one more boring loser trying to get a job I have no business trying for.
This is all really defeating and I'm sick of keeping track of positions I've applied to and watching denial after denial come through. Meanwhile I am trying to define what it is I'd truly like to be doing and work towards those goals. I finally found some motivation and (while somewhat tipsy) created a chart of jobs I'd like to do assuming I had no restrictions. From there I decided what items could be hobbies rather than a viable job and what items could be jobs even if I needed to learn a trade and/or spend significant money to see to fruition.
My next step is to figure out what all I need to do to make those dream jobs a reality. Outside of that I do have one prospect that actually has me excited, but also rather terrified:
I have applied to be a substitute teacher.
My degree is in English with a minor in writing. I have said I will sub for kindergarten through high school but if I'm being completely honest I still feel like High School was five years ago. I don't feel far enough removed to be a commanding presence for those kids.
I am all set to start, and I am actually fairly excited about the opportunity. So I will keep everyone updated with my progress. Good luck, me. And I shall share stories from this kiddos.
This is all really defeating and I'm sick of keeping track of positions I've applied to and watching denial after denial come through. Meanwhile I am trying to define what it is I'd truly like to be doing and work towards those goals. I finally found some motivation and (while somewhat tipsy) created a chart of jobs I'd like to do assuming I had no restrictions. From there I decided what items could be hobbies rather than a viable job and what items could be jobs even if I needed to learn a trade and/or spend significant money to see to fruition.
My next step is to figure out what all I need to do to make those dream jobs a reality. Outside of that I do have one prospect that actually has me excited, but also rather terrified:
I have applied to be a substitute teacher.
My degree is in English with a minor in writing. I have said I will sub for kindergarten through high school but if I'm being completely honest I still feel like High School was five years ago. I don't feel far enough removed to be a commanding presence for those kids.
I am all set to start, and I am actually fairly excited about the opportunity. So I will keep everyone updated with my progress. Good luck, me. And I shall share stories from this kiddos.
Monday, August 14, 2017
Uneasy
In my current state I find myself turning to the written word to work through it all. Yet I'm not sure where to start. I feel fragile.
Since the start of the most recent presidential campaign I have, at times, felt overwhelmingly alone. Alone in the severity of my distress. Alone in being unable to understand the extreme hate and love of ignorance; deep thought and polite discourse losing out to the excitement of being loud and 'right'.
I have read and reread that disdain and prejudice towards others is a learned trait brought about because of some agenda. Yet. What agenda could be so huge that you must create a perceived negativity so huge in others that we spit vile and desire to create pain. I don't understand.
This 'otherness' is awful. And it's on so many levels, big and small. I feel it, too. I can't possibly have anything in common with those swastika carrying, rifle shooting, hate mongering men and women right? But that's not true. They have fears. They've been told something will happen if we treat everyone the same. They believe 'others' shouldn't have the same rights; that they shouldn't share the same space even. That their 'otherness' is such a threat that it must be kept at bay. That maybe, they even should be eradicated from the planet we all share.
I don't understand. But we are not different at our core. We are not. We are the same. You and I work towards goals just as 'they' do. I didn't want to turn preachy. I guess I have an intense desire to find a resolution. To find the end of the tunnel, and emerge in the sun renewed after dredging through the dark. You guys, I'd love to say the answer is that we all stop seeing the 'otherness' and realize we are all the same. That is incredibly unrealistic. So I'm not sure what the answer is. What I do know is that I have become so sensitive to hearing anybody suggest violence, feeling wholly sick to my stomach. Whether it's accompanied by hate speech, or sometimes worse, just an offhand remark. As if the idea of killing somebody was just as normal as pouring your cereal and milk in the morning. Something everybody has done, and many of us, everyday of our lives. Should we just as often get rid of the others?
This has gotten so rambly, but I did warn you I was trying to work through it. I'm not sure I will. I know that I can make changes in my own life. Be more aware of myself and my thoughts and reactions. I can call people out if I witness something. We have a hard climb ahead, knowing we have leaders who care not and use every chance they have to discredit those who would be the real helpers. But we can help each other. We can boost one another up and never stop talking about it and standing up for people. Fear is strong, but it becomes hopeless and makes mistakes. Love is never ending. It finds strength in little things and becomes emboldened at every step.
I still feel awful. I feel the ugliness and I've been crying so much. But I will not be kept quiet. But please, try to find a way to feel the 'we'-the 'us' and not so much 'them' and 'they'. It won't help.
Since the start of the most recent presidential campaign I have, at times, felt overwhelmingly alone. Alone in the severity of my distress. Alone in being unable to understand the extreme hate and love of ignorance; deep thought and polite discourse losing out to the excitement of being loud and 'right'.
I have read and reread that disdain and prejudice towards others is a learned trait brought about because of some agenda. Yet. What agenda could be so huge that you must create a perceived negativity so huge in others that we spit vile and desire to create pain. I don't understand.
This 'otherness' is awful. And it's on so many levels, big and small. I feel it, too. I can't possibly have anything in common with those swastika carrying, rifle shooting, hate mongering men and women right? But that's not true. They have fears. They've been told something will happen if we treat everyone the same. They believe 'others' shouldn't have the same rights; that they shouldn't share the same space even. That their 'otherness' is such a threat that it must be kept at bay. That maybe, they even should be eradicated from the planet we all share.
I don't understand. But we are not different at our core. We are not. We are the same. You and I work towards goals just as 'they' do. I didn't want to turn preachy. I guess I have an intense desire to find a resolution. To find the end of the tunnel, and emerge in the sun renewed after dredging through the dark. You guys, I'd love to say the answer is that we all stop seeing the 'otherness' and realize we are all the same. That is incredibly unrealistic. So I'm not sure what the answer is. What I do know is that I have become so sensitive to hearing anybody suggest violence, feeling wholly sick to my stomach. Whether it's accompanied by hate speech, or sometimes worse, just an offhand remark. As if the idea of killing somebody was just as normal as pouring your cereal and milk in the morning. Something everybody has done, and many of us, everyday of our lives. Should we just as often get rid of the others?
This has gotten so rambly, but I did warn you I was trying to work through it. I'm not sure I will. I know that I can make changes in my own life. Be more aware of myself and my thoughts and reactions. I can call people out if I witness something. We have a hard climb ahead, knowing we have leaders who care not and use every chance they have to discredit those who would be the real helpers. But we can help each other. We can boost one another up and never stop talking about it and standing up for people. Fear is strong, but it becomes hopeless and makes mistakes. Love is never ending. It finds strength in little things and becomes emboldened at every step.
I still feel awful. I feel the ugliness and I've been crying so much. But I will not be kept quiet. But please, try to find a way to feel the 'we'-the 'us' and not so much 'them' and 'they'. It won't help.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Accepting It
This was written several days ago, but I just now found the time to type it up...
Today marks day four of a regular workout plan I started. The goals are to lose weight, be toned, improve my activity levels, be healthier, sleep better, and in general just to do something for myself. It's becoming part of the time I spend with my husband as we are doing it together. Logan sometimes joins, even by electively telling us good job.
The workouts are trying, and I have been constantly sore for the last three days. Partly good sore, and highly inconvenient as going up and down the stairs makes me want to install an escalator. Why did the house we find have to put Logan in the basement?!
I'm writing this today as an acknowledgement to myself that I am taking steps in the direction of the kind of person I want to be as a wife, a mother, and an individual. As I incorporate some things into a routine, I will slowly be able to bring more things in. Doing the work out first will afford me the energy to do the rest in time.
I have a growing list of topics I'd like to blog about and am now fully confident that if I allow myself to take time to get there, I will be able to write daily.
I am continuously realizing just how special my life is and how much I have; two amazing little boys who adore each other, are sweet and smart, and who make home special. And my husband who has shown me so many things; patience, understanding, how to be supportive, that being upset or angry isn't awful as long as you talk-and for that matter, in the end it isn't even worth it to be angry (still working on this one). Really, I wouldn't be working out if not for him. He's shown me that it's possible to do if during a busy life when you have someone there to help.
This is going to be good.
Today marks day four of a regular workout plan I started. The goals are to lose weight, be toned, improve my activity levels, be healthier, sleep better, and in general just to do something for myself. It's becoming part of the time I spend with my husband as we are doing it together. Logan sometimes joins, even by electively telling us good job.
The workouts are trying, and I have been constantly sore for the last three days. Partly good sore, and highly inconvenient as going up and down the stairs makes me want to install an escalator. Why did the house we find have to put Logan in the basement?!
I'm writing this today as an acknowledgement to myself that I am taking steps in the direction of the kind of person I want to be as a wife, a mother, and an individual. As I incorporate some things into a routine, I will slowly be able to bring more things in. Doing the work out first will afford me the energy to do the rest in time.
I have a growing list of topics I'd like to blog about and am now fully confident that if I allow myself to take time to get there, I will be able to write daily.
I am continuously realizing just how special my life is and how much I have; two amazing little boys who adore each other, are sweet and smart, and who make home special. And my husband who has shown me so many things; patience, understanding, how to be supportive, that being upset or angry isn't awful as long as you talk-and for that matter, in the end it isn't even worth it to be angry (still working on this one). Really, I wouldn't be working out if not for him. He's shown me that it's possible to do if during a busy life when you have someone there to help.
This is going to be good.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
An Exercise in Patience and Perseverance.
*I will avoid screaming at the baby "YOU CAN SLEEP! REALLY IT'S OKAY-AND YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT BEING HELD!"
*I will exercise even though I don't feel like it.
*I will clean the kitchen and put away the laundry for the thousandth time today....
*I will smile when I feel like crying.
*I will refrain from chucking the cats across the house when they wake me up during one of the few times I sleep at night.
*I will not eat Bread, I will not eat bread, I will not eat Bread.
*I will do something I want, even if it means I sleep less. What's one less hour after all?
*I will take two deep breaths when Logan has tested me for the millionth time today.
*I will be more organized.
* I will be more thankful for what I have, because on my worst day I have it better than most people, including many I know.
*I will choose how I feel because who really wants to feel like crap?
* I will make more of an effort with friends no matter how busy my life is.
* I will strive to be more positive in general because the effects on myself, my life, and those around me will be amazing.
* I will remember I can only get what I give and cannot expect more.
* I will push myself because I am capable of more than what I have accomplished so far and it is worth it.
Happy living people!
*I will exercise even though I don't feel like it.
*I will clean the kitchen and put away the laundry for the thousandth time today....
*I will smile when I feel like crying.
*I will refrain from chucking the cats across the house when they wake me up during one of the few times I sleep at night.
*I will not eat Bread, I will not eat bread, I will not eat Bread.
*I will do something I want, even if it means I sleep less. What's one less hour after all?
*I will take two deep breaths when Logan has tested me for the millionth time today.
*I will be more organized.
* I will be more thankful for what I have, because on my worst day I have it better than most people, including many I know.
*I will choose how I feel because who really wants to feel like crap?
* I will make more of an effort with friends no matter how busy my life is.
* I will strive to be more positive in general because the effects on myself, my life, and those around me will be amazing.
* I will remember I can only get what I give and cannot expect more.
* I will push myself because I am capable of more than what I have accomplished so far and it is worth it.
Happy living people!
Monday, September 15, 2014
Romance and LOVE, or LUUUUV
As my own relationship has hit a lovely new spot, I thought I would share some of the things I have found to work in my own relationship, along with a few things I have in my back pocket to pull out in the future. As I've stated before, I do believe that what you put into life, you get out of it. Am I great in implementing this? Not as much as I'd like everyone to believe...but the area in my life where I have probably done the best at this is in my relationship, and trust me I have plenty of room for improvement. I should be doing things daily, even if it's one tiny peck on the cheek. My husband has been very patient with me however, and tells me daily that he is madly in love with me (Yes, I got super freaking lucky and I KNOW it).
In any case, what follows are some things you can try, or just laugh at how insanely corny I am, but I have never been one to much care, so here goes! Love on, people!
1. One of the first things I'll mention is a website I've found called www.thedatingdivas.com
This is a wonderfully goofy, inventive place if you are needing help with day to day stuff. There are date ideas, TONS of printable things from "Love Tickets" (like a parking ticket, but for luuuuuv), naughty suggestions for the bedroom if that's your thing, and romantic reminders for your special someone. This is a vast website, and most of the printables are free, so check it out. Very quick way to make your lover feel special and it's almost brainless. Can't beat that.
2. I like to be crafty. As such, I have taken to scrapbooking pictures from our wedding and honeymoon. It is such a fun way to add even more personality to those events, and if you get really creative you will help you and your spouse to remember some of your best times and it will be a great way to showcase your relationship to your children and grandchildren one day.
3. Along with #2, and #1, I have made what I call our "Love book". This was initially a gift I gave to my husband as his wedding present (we were barely making it to pay for the wedding and honeymoon, so I needed cheap). But I'm lucky, because my husband is super sappy, so it worked for us. I wrote down my memories of when we first met, and all the big moments leading up to that point in our life. I left room for pictures and cards or love notes we had for those times to add another element to it. I did fork out the money for a nice journal, but this is just a cute way to keep the special cards and notes you give each other. My husband then added his account of memories and his thoughts/feelings for our one year anniversary. Since then I've added to it as cute things come up. We both love this, and I especially love re-reading the beginning because it's easy to forget how much in love you were at the start.
4. Now that I've mentioned it-TAKE PICTURES! Don't live behind your camera, but make sure you have some visuals of your life together. My husband has gifted me a photo album each Christmas of the past years pictures and I love it. We go through it periodically with out little one and it's one more way to re-connect.
5. Since we're talking about putting effort into a relationship, let's just recognize it isn't always fun or goofy that is needed. I'm sure you've heard of this book as it was everywhere for a while, but "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is another way to help you connect. I think a lot of people just assume if you talk, you're communicating. What I have come to find, however, is that when my husband says something, it is very easy for me to read something else entirely from it because of my past experiences and my own thoughts about a particular subject. Now this book doesn't tell you how to overcome that, but it DOES help you understand how best to show your partner love. This can be rather difficult if you would rather hear expressions of love, but your partner would rather feel love physically. We tend to do the style that we, ourselves, want. So if you're telling your partner how much you love them, but they needs hugs and hand holding (Among other things) to feel loved....well my friend, you've got a problem. You can buy the book, or go to www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ and take the quiz yourself. Make sure your spouse is on board as well, so you can both start making sure you show love the way it's needed.
6. Remember when you were a kid and you had a list ten pages long of all the stuff you were going to accomplish? You had dreams, and you thought about them constantly. You should do this still, but with your SO. Where do you want to go on trips? What kind of house would you live in if you could? Was there something you always wanted to learn, and didn't? Make your lists again and see what you have in common. Some of your dreams might be lofty, but it's fun to dream. Talk about what you would do if you went to Italy. Then, decide if any of these dreams can be made into realistic goals. Have something you can both work towards. A common desire that you both try hard to make happen will bring you together. Maybe you can take a class together. Don't knock it!
7. Now, opposite of #6, make sure you both still have your own stuff. As a human being, your identity is not just spouse/partner. You need to make sure you have time to yourself to do whatever it is you do. Don't lose yourself! And if, for some reason, you never found yourself before becoming a twosome, find something now. It will be much more healthy for both of you, and will help rejuvenate you to be the best partner you can be!
8. This one I have not yet done myself, but want to. Write letters to your spouse, and seal them up. On the front, write things such as "Open when you have had a bad day at work." Or, "Open when you need a reminder of how much I love you." Or even "Open when you are feeling madly in love with me." Pour your heart into these. Tell jokes. Put silly pictures in. Make a list of all the great things about your partner that you appreciate. This one will take some effort, but it will be cherished for days/months to come.
9. And here we come to the best part. You guys-HAVE SEX. Whether missionary, or Kama Sutra style...with or without sexy clothing and/or toys...whether you role play or not-HAVE SEX. Not only is it an amazing way to feel utterly connected to your loved one, it makes you feel good about the rest of your life as well. It's exercise without feeling like it is, it makes you happier in general and relieves stress, and it can actually make you feel like you make more money than you do, and if that helps you not stress out about money in the middle of the night, then more power to you!
As you go through life, if you have that special person to share your time with, make sure you put in the effort. Always be sincere in your attempts to be close, and make sure that whatever time you spend, it is quality time. I know kids, work, money, and life in general make it hard to do this, but that's where these different suggestions come in. If you can do a combination of even just some of these, you will feel much happier in your relationship.
Go forth with sappiness, and Happy loving!
In any case, what follows are some things you can try, or just laugh at how insanely corny I am, but I have never been one to much care, so here goes! Love on, people!
1. One of the first things I'll mention is a website I've found called www.thedatingdivas.com
This is a wonderfully goofy, inventive place if you are needing help with day to day stuff. There are date ideas, TONS of printable things from "Love Tickets" (like a parking ticket, but for luuuuuv), naughty suggestions for the bedroom if that's your thing, and romantic reminders for your special someone. This is a vast website, and most of the printables are free, so check it out. Very quick way to make your lover feel special and it's almost brainless. Can't beat that.
2. I like to be crafty. As such, I have taken to scrapbooking pictures from our wedding and honeymoon. It is such a fun way to add even more personality to those events, and if you get really creative you will help you and your spouse to remember some of your best times and it will be a great way to showcase your relationship to your children and grandchildren one day.
3. Along with #2, and #1, I have made what I call our "Love book". This was initially a gift I gave to my husband as his wedding present (we were barely making it to pay for the wedding and honeymoon, so I needed cheap). But I'm lucky, because my husband is super sappy, so it worked for us. I wrote down my memories of when we first met, and all the big moments leading up to that point in our life. I left room for pictures and cards or love notes we had for those times to add another element to it. I did fork out the money for a nice journal, but this is just a cute way to keep the special cards and notes you give each other. My husband then added his account of memories and his thoughts/feelings for our one year anniversary. Since then I've added to it as cute things come up. We both love this, and I especially love re-reading the beginning because it's easy to forget how much in love you were at the start.
4. Now that I've mentioned it-TAKE PICTURES! Don't live behind your camera, but make sure you have some visuals of your life together. My husband has gifted me a photo album each Christmas of the past years pictures and I love it. We go through it periodically with out little one and it's one more way to re-connect.
5. Since we're talking about putting effort into a relationship, let's just recognize it isn't always fun or goofy that is needed. I'm sure you've heard of this book as it was everywhere for a while, but "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is another way to help you connect. I think a lot of people just assume if you talk, you're communicating. What I have come to find, however, is that when my husband says something, it is very easy for me to read something else entirely from it because of my past experiences and my own thoughts about a particular subject. Now this book doesn't tell you how to overcome that, but it DOES help you understand how best to show your partner love. This can be rather difficult if you would rather hear expressions of love, but your partner would rather feel love physically. We tend to do the style that we, ourselves, want. So if you're telling your partner how much you love them, but they needs hugs and hand holding (Among other things) to feel loved....well my friend, you've got a problem. You can buy the book, or go to www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ and take the quiz yourself. Make sure your spouse is on board as well, so you can both start making sure you show love the way it's needed.
6. Remember when you were a kid and you had a list ten pages long of all the stuff you were going to accomplish? You had dreams, and you thought about them constantly. You should do this still, but with your SO. Where do you want to go on trips? What kind of house would you live in if you could? Was there something you always wanted to learn, and didn't? Make your lists again and see what you have in common. Some of your dreams might be lofty, but it's fun to dream. Talk about what you would do if you went to Italy. Then, decide if any of these dreams can be made into realistic goals. Have something you can both work towards. A common desire that you both try hard to make happen will bring you together. Maybe you can take a class together. Don't knock it!
7. Now, opposite of #6, make sure you both still have your own stuff. As a human being, your identity is not just spouse/partner. You need to make sure you have time to yourself to do whatever it is you do. Don't lose yourself! And if, for some reason, you never found yourself before becoming a twosome, find something now. It will be much more healthy for both of you, and will help rejuvenate you to be the best partner you can be!
8. This one I have not yet done myself, but want to. Write letters to your spouse, and seal them up. On the front, write things such as "Open when you have had a bad day at work." Or, "Open when you need a reminder of how much I love you." Or even "Open when you are feeling madly in love with me." Pour your heart into these. Tell jokes. Put silly pictures in. Make a list of all the great things about your partner that you appreciate. This one will take some effort, but it will be cherished for days/months to come.
9. And here we come to the best part. You guys-HAVE SEX. Whether missionary, or Kama Sutra style...with or without sexy clothing and/or toys...whether you role play or not-HAVE SEX. Not only is it an amazing way to feel utterly connected to your loved one, it makes you feel good about the rest of your life as well. It's exercise without feeling like it is, it makes you happier in general and relieves stress, and it can actually make you feel like you make more money than you do, and if that helps you not stress out about money in the middle of the night, then more power to you!
As you go through life, if you have that special person to share your time with, make sure you put in the effort. Always be sincere in your attempts to be close, and make sure that whatever time you spend, it is quality time. I know kids, work, money, and life in general make it hard to do this, but that's where these different suggestions come in. If you can do a combination of even just some of these, you will feel much happier in your relationship.
Go forth with sappiness, and Happy loving!
Sunday, September 14, 2014
New Mommyhood; the Second Time Around.
I recently gave birth to my second son, something my husband and I had been waiting for for over a year. We wanted a baby and it took us several months to become pregnant. Nine months later, in labor, I was ready for my life to change.
What I have found out is that the only thing ready was my heart. My body, patience, firstborn son, mind, husband, and overall sanity were not.
I had many discussions with my eldest about what it was going to mean to have another baby. At 6 years old, I thought he would be somewhat prepared as he had been around babies at his daycare and new they cried, needed smelly diapers changed, and had to have a lot of attention. We talked about his being a big brother, and while he didn't do a jig about it, he seemed excited enough. When the time came however, he acted out horribly, wanted nothing to do with his little brother, and his new favorite saying was "I think you don't love me anymore." Great.
I thought labor was going to be this awesome experience to share with my husband as we had not gone through that together with my first. Two hours in to major labor however, and we had not done any of the exercises we learned about in birthing class, and I already wanted the epidural.
Breastfeeding was going to be much easier because I remembered what it was like with my first and I was more assertive in telling the nurses what felt wrong and what I needed help with. For the first week of his life, it took at least 20 minutes of trying to get him to latch at all, and then even longer to do it correctly so that my nipples didn't bleed and hurt so badly I contemplated punching a newborn.
While pregnant, I was sure I was going to get all sorts of things done at home when on maternity leave. I have mostly spent my days feeding the baby and deciding between napping or trying to be productive. I have gotten better at managing my time and the baby, but I worry about how the laundry will get done when I am back at work. How much clutter will pile up when I don't have all day to pick up one or two things at a time as I'm passing by? Will the kitchen EVER be clean? How often will we eat real meals when I won't be home at all until 5:00 and quite possibly have to take at least half an hour to feed the baby all the while fighting with Logan to do his homework. Then there's the part where I thought I would be able to find a balance and keep my sanity by scrapbooking or writing....Tomorrow Henry is one month old and this is the first time I am writing. I have not scrapbooked...I feel like I can't take the time to do these things when there is still so much left to do in the house.
When Henry wakes from his naps, I have to stop what I'm doing because I am the titty bar and he very much likes to be stuck to me. I cannot move around while he's eating which means for at least half an hour to an hour every 3 hours, I am completely non-productive. I guess other than keeping a human being alive...But seriously, my husband is amazing and changes diapers and will burp Henry, but I have only had a handful of meals together with my family because he eats at an awful time and I need more support than the kitchen chair provides while feeding Henry. Andrew does not have to get up in the middle of the night and be awake enough to feed him and burp him and changed his diaper, all the while wondering if you're going to be up at a decent time to feed him in the mid-morning hours when it's time to get the other one up for school. And when I go back to work? God help me I'll be crying all the way there for lack of sleep and frustration, and probably a shower.
I don't know. I thought because I had a husband this time around and I had gone through it once before it would be easier. But I was younger which meant I had more natural resolve to get through the day on less sleep. I was able to lose weight easier. Now it is not only hard to lose weight, but it is really easy to GAIN it.
So everyone-I do not think I have a point to this post other than showing through my personal account that first of all, nothing goes as planned (great cliche being true), and that being a mommy is hard and I really wish there was more to my identity right now, but for the time being it will have to suffice.
What I have found out is that the only thing ready was my heart. My body, patience, firstborn son, mind, husband, and overall sanity were not.
I had many discussions with my eldest about what it was going to mean to have another baby. At 6 years old, I thought he would be somewhat prepared as he had been around babies at his daycare and new they cried, needed smelly diapers changed, and had to have a lot of attention. We talked about his being a big brother, and while he didn't do a jig about it, he seemed excited enough. When the time came however, he acted out horribly, wanted nothing to do with his little brother, and his new favorite saying was "I think you don't love me anymore." Great.
I thought labor was going to be this awesome experience to share with my husband as we had not gone through that together with my first. Two hours in to major labor however, and we had not done any of the exercises we learned about in birthing class, and I already wanted the epidural.
Breastfeeding was going to be much easier because I remembered what it was like with my first and I was more assertive in telling the nurses what felt wrong and what I needed help with. For the first week of his life, it took at least 20 minutes of trying to get him to latch at all, and then even longer to do it correctly so that my nipples didn't bleed and hurt so badly I contemplated punching a newborn.
While pregnant, I was sure I was going to get all sorts of things done at home when on maternity leave. I have mostly spent my days feeding the baby and deciding between napping or trying to be productive. I have gotten better at managing my time and the baby, but I worry about how the laundry will get done when I am back at work. How much clutter will pile up when I don't have all day to pick up one or two things at a time as I'm passing by? Will the kitchen EVER be clean? How often will we eat real meals when I won't be home at all until 5:00 and quite possibly have to take at least half an hour to feed the baby all the while fighting with Logan to do his homework. Then there's the part where I thought I would be able to find a balance and keep my sanity by scrapbooking or writing....Tomorrow Henry is one month old and this is the first time I am writing. I have not scrapbooked...I feel like I can't take the time to do these things when there is still so much left to do in the house.
When Henry wakes from his naps, I have to stop what I'm doing because I am the titty bar and he very much likes to be stuck to me. I cannot move around while he's eating which means for at least half an hour to an hour every 3 hours, I am completely non-productive. I guess other than keeping a human being alive...But seriously, my husband is amazing and changes diapers and will burp Henry, but I have only had a handful of meals together with my family because he eats at an awful time and I need more support than the kitchen chair provides while feeding Henry. Andrew does not have to get up in the middle of the night and be awake enough to feed him and burp him and changed his diaper, all the while wondering if you're going to be up at a decent time to feed him in the mid-morning hours when it's time to get the other one up for school. And when I go back to work? God help me I'll be crying all the way there for lack of sleep and frustration, and probably a shower.
I don't know. I thought because I had a husband this time around and I had gone through it once before it would be easier. But I was younger which meant I had more natural resolve to get through the day on less sleep. I was able to lose weight easier. Now it is not only hard to lose weight, but it is really easy to GAIN it.
So everyone-I do not think I have a point to this post other than showing through my personal account that first of all, nothing goes as planned (great cliche being true), and that being a mommy is hard and I really wish there was more to my identity right now, but for the time being it will have to suffice.
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