Wedding mania

We are pretty much in full planning mode now.  We have the decorations figured out, if not all bought yet.  We have the favors figured out.  I have a dress.  We have an almost finished song list.  Of course now we need to get all of the songs and save them to cd's in the order we want them.  We have the cake and food figured out.  And don't forget booze.  We have a photographer.

Now we need a videographer.  I need to find my accessories. We need to figure out who will marry us...neither one of us is particularly religious.  We still need to find a ring for Andrew.  Need to get an outfit for the dude.

The honeymoon has been booked.  We are going on a cruise that stops at Haiti, Cozumel, Jamaica, and the Caymen islands.  Paying for all of it is going to be a little hard.  Andrew has been saving like crazy.  We have our plane tickets booked and paid for.

My mom is helping us pay for decorations and things for the wedding.  The wedding will be at her house.  I am excited, if not a little freaked out.  Just worried it might get a little tough to stay cordial at best, with all of the junk going on.  It will be okay.  I hope.

We did our save the dates last night, finally.  So now I get to find all the e-mail addresses I need.  Yes, we're being cheap.  But they look nice!

Anyway-the date is August 31st and I can't believe how close it's getting.  Getting everything done without losing it might be hard.  We're having a pretty low-key wedding, considering, yet we still have so much to do. I don't understand.

Have nothing much to say

Nothing the first:  My job.  I really like it.  I talk to people all day, which I like to do.  And in some ways I get to investigate things.  Taking phone calls on a more regular basis now that I'm out of training affirms that I have learned something.  Unfortunately, part of what I've learned is that there are two very big problems with the way things are handled internally.  One may not be a huge issue if the agents and their staff simply accepted it and took two seconds to make a phone call.  The other is not their fault, but rather a large company who for some reason isn't taking advantage of the opportunity to make more money.  Neither really works for me, or seems acceptable.  Both are something I want to be a part of rectifying, I really only see one as being a possibility.  And even then, a long shot.  I have to convince corporate talking heads that what they know is wrong, and what they think is beyond retarded.  Hell, I can't hardly get my own mother to accept that I can make decisions that won't explode in my face, and remember when we are meeting up to do something.

Btw- when you call a center, and the person on the other end is trying to resolve the issue you have, please stop yelling at them at that point.  They probably realize that the way they have to handle things may not be the best.  Someone else might have messed up before you got on the phone with the present person.  I realize you may be miffed beyond belief.  But at a certain point, your venting is just you being a fucking asshole.  So take a breath, calm the fuck down, and let that rep help you.  In a perfect world, everybody will know what they're doing.  But sometimes, somebody is new at their job.  Be patient.  Be kind.  And if you're a bitch to somebody, for the love of God do not be surprised when they come back at you in kind.  If that person somehow manages to keep their cool, and lets you bitch your head off; thank them for listening to you without hanging up, crying, or yelling right back at you.  Just because you can't see them and you don't know each other doesn't mean your yelling doesn't affect them.  

Nothing the 2nd: I really have tried to be better with my mom.  I know that I have been.  I upset her this past weekend and went to apologize and we had a good conversation and got past it.  I was sorry I upset her.  It made me sad to see her so hurt.  A year or so ago, that would not have been the case.  I feel like we have come really far.  She is offering to pay for, honestly, most of the wedding and that is amazing.  What I haven't been able to get out of my head is the fact that she has my clarinet.  It got stolen my senior year of high school, about three weeks before I graduated.  I was devastated.  Almost exactly a year later, it was found.  I didn't end up playing much because I was new to college, had a full time job, and new boyfriend.  I also moved out of my parents house for the first time.  I then got pregnant and my whole life changed.  I didn't play much.  My mom came into hard times and decided she might sell it.  At this point that still has not happened, and the things she buys and the way she spends her money lead me to believe only one thing.  She is not so hard up that she still needs a thousand dollars right this second.  Not only that, but she then wanted to sell it to pay for dental cleaning for myself, and a bed for Andrew and I.  With my new job, I have dental insurance, and Andrew has been saving up for a bed.  Her needs/desires to sell the clarinet are now moot.  Yet when I brought it up the last time, pointing some of these things out, it was clear she would not discuss it with me.

I don't know what to do.  I have writing as an outlet, but I have to think about what i'm about to create.  With my clarinet, I just play.  My fingers remember a rift as I see it on the page.  I can play scales on a whim.  And I really love the sound.  I love producing music.  I love being by myself with it.  And I miss it.  I miss it and I want to play, and there's a part of me that feels my mother could care less about me and my happiness to not even consider letting me have it back.  

Nothing the 3rd: I feel really dumb feeling upset about these things when I really have a lot to be happy about.  I have a job that pays better than anything I've had to this point.  I have benefits and regular hours.  I get to see Logan all the time.  And my fiance just came in to the bedroom, playing a game I begged him to buy last weekend so we could play together.  

Nothing the 4th: This time of year always reminds me of the worst part of my life.  The time I was with Caleb. It was the most terrible time of my life.  I cant't help but think about the uneasiness and unhappiness that comes with March.  There are several things; most of which I don't feel like I can share on here.  Not yet.  

.....I mostly just needed to vent.  I am sorry that none of this was very happy.  But it's what I'm thinking about.  And if it's vague, it's because i'm thinking about it but can't bring myself to go that far right now.  I've already cried really hard once tonight.  I can wait until tomorrow to do it again.

Meditation, Reading, Writing, Exercise and Happiness

With the oncoming stable job hours, I will be able to set a routine for myself.  No more getting up at 4 or 5 occasionally for work, or staying until nine, ten, or 11 at night.  No more weekends.  I have decided that with Logan, I will try to come up with an activity we can do each night.  Some craft, or working on numbers or whatever.  Maybe playing a game.  After he goes to bed, I will spend the rest of my night either reading or writing until half an hour before I want to sleep.  At that time I'm going to meditate. 

I found a place that sells meditation pyramids...pyramids are supposed to be powerful energy conduits.  For those reading this, I don't know how you feel about this kind of thing.  I may be going into cool territory, or make you think I'm one of those wackos.  Oh well.  In any case, I think it's possible to astral project, to slowly heal yourself or others, and calm your emotions, as well as affect yourself in almost every way possible with enough positive concentration and energy put into something.  I looked up a website that talks about all the different crystals, and the properties believed to be attached to them.  This pyramid I found can be taken down and put up anywhere, allowing for space anyway.  When the weather turns warmer I'm going to put it outside.  I want to start and end my day with meditation.  We'll see what ends up happening. 

The other good thing about my work schedule being set is that, at least for training, I will get out at 4:15 every day.  My gym is just down the street and I plan on going at least 3 times a week before I get Logan from daycare.  Yay. 

And the weekends.  Ah, the glorious weekends that will again be mine.  Two full days with my guys to do whatever we want.  Yes. 

2012-Bring it on.  I'm going to get married this year and work on myself and my family.  It's going to be awesome.