At times I can be very anxious. I believe I am an extroverted, anxiety ridden blob of fear. So I want all the attention but at the same time I'm afraid it's all negative and people are judging me very harshly.
I think that's the culprit of my past bad interviews. I mean, they are truly there to judge you and because I think low of myself anyway, I'm already a disaster because I now have to convince people who aren't me and don't know the crap in my head that I'm worth a damn so I ramble and try to explain better and end up using too many words that say nothing and now they think I may not even have the brain functionality of a 12 year old. I stare at them and my brain goes through about 100 different things they are thinking, and then THAT gets in the way of my mouth and sometimes I lose my train of thought and because it was a malfunctioning train to begin with I'll never get it back on track so I just sit there and pretend like I'd made a real thought and that it answered their question while I become awkwardly silent.
I'm sure I drive those who know me crazy. Because I am extroverted, the fact that I'm terrified of the resulting attention probably never occurs to them. When people laugh at something funny I said, or tell me positive things, I hardly know what to do with myself. I get this insane euphoric feeling while at the same time questioning their sanity and motives. Not always, and not always even in a big way, but it's there.
So after that, we have the part where I, every once in a while, get into a funk so heavy I feel desperately alone and hungry for human contact and then severely disappointed when that contact fails to make me feel any better. I know it's because contact is not likely what I need. Or at least not in the strict sense. I need closeness. I need uninterrupted, unencumbered, quality one on one time and there isn't a whole lot in our daily lives that lends itself to that encounter. So I get in a cycle of checking social media because hey! those people are my friends, and then feeling even worse because seeing where someone ate lunch that day, or took vacation, or missed the bus because their alarm sucks doesn't give me that one on one connection.
This stupid funk can last for days and I vacillate. I know I need to voice my feelings as best I can, and I know I need to make myself come out of it enough to force myself to make my needs clear, but then we're back to the part where I can feel really crappy about myself and why even bother sharing? It's my stupid brain, and my stupid thoughts, and it takes so much effort sometimes to even say anything let alone something that will make sense to another human.
