I absolutely cannot believe it has been a month.
Some things are getting better. I have established enough of a routine for grading that I am not overwhelmed with just that on any given day. I am coming up with lessons that I think are challenging but not too difficult. The students seem to be enjoying what I am giving them. I think Logan is figuring out what I need from him in order to understand what is being asked of him during remote learning. I have organized the hell out of a lot of our home spaces. I am keeping the house fairly clean each day. The weather is changing, so we are able to be outside more. I absolutely love our front courtyard. I can tell that will be my favorite place in the summer. Once we find an umbrella, it will be a perfect space to hang out.
Some things are still hard. Logan is taking complete advantage of being asked to do school online and is constantly playing games. He does not yet understand how much time he is wasting just staring at things. I cannot convince him about taking breaks and being outside-even though I feel like I am modeling that on top of bugging him to do it. I haven't done any damn thing with Henry to further his learning. I mean we're reading, and I know play helps, but he also actually loves to write and draw and I have not been doing those things with him.
I am so tired. While I am enjoying so many benefits of being home all day, I get no break from any of it. It's hard to wind down at all. I am definitely drinking alcohol. I am constantly reminded of what I have left to do around the house and for school and for my kids and my husband all at the same time. And the potential opportunity for constantly doing something for all is available. It feels like there is no excuse for not doing something because it's all here.
My students are barely showing up to meetings. I am returning work non stop for not being completed and I ask them to read the directions and they seem clueless. It is getting harder not to completely lose it on them. They are cheating and copying so much more.
Then in the midst of my anger, I know that they, too, are having a hard time and I should go easy on them and I feel guilty. How do we hold them accountable during a time like this? How do I show compassion and understanding through a computer? Especially if they won't communicate?
I am overwhelmed at the enormity. I am resentful that I didn't really get to figure out how to teach before being shoved into this situation. I feel responsible for everything and wholly incapable of handling it at times.
We are remote learning through the rest of the school year. There is talk that we will be doing this on and off next year. Or that we may return, but it will go back and forth each week with half of our students to have social distancing....what about the halls? The bathrooms? I just.... That is all heresay at this point. They're bouncing ideas to try to come up with a plan for next year if we are asked to do any number of things. Henry starts kindergarten. He may not get to be in a classroom.
Right now I am just in a moment of sadness and desperation and if I could hide away, I would. Instead I will go meet with my students and provide my millionth comment to half my students and hope they and I both get anything done.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Friday, March 27, 2020
Personal Implications of Quarantine
So my last post was all about school. I needed to get that out so I could move forward. Today, I attempt to do the same but for...everything else.
I did mention this in my last blog, but I am anxious about how this is going to work once Andrew, Logan, and myself are all working on computers. I need to make sure Henry is occupied such that he doesn't bother the rest of us. I will need to monitor what Logan is doing while working on the computer...Oof. It might not end up being too terribly hard. I hope not. I won't be expected to be glued to my computer, unless I have a lot of students requesting time to meet with me. Which wouldn't be the worst. I miss them.
Ok. Now on to the rest-It has been almost two full weeks that I have been at home. Last week was Spring Break-I was always going to be home then, anyway. I definitely took it easy. My tendency is to put a lot of expectation on myself and then get overwhelmed and just isolate. I did do that a bit, but I think it was more to do with spending too much time reading the news and getting depressed about the whole situation. I have done a better job the last few days of distancing myself from all of that. It has made a huge difference. Plus, now when I log onto social media, I actually have something new to look at from friends.
My work space is in the bedroom, so it has forced me to declutter and clean in ways we hadn't yet done since moving in. It has been great. We have a lot of windows in our bedroom and there isn't a ton of direct sunlight to bake me. It's wonderful. The cats have loved having the windows open, and the space feels serene.
I have been spending time with the boys-again, not as much as I would love to be doing in my mind's eye of who I am as a person, but we are on the line ALWAYS of wanting to spend time with each other and being annoyed that anyone else exists in the house. We're getting there. I have several low key projects we can do on top of daily outside time and just general random stuff.
Ok, and back to school-SORRY, can't help it! But I do have the time and luxury now with remote learning to really hone my skills on a basic level. So, while this is not ideal in any way, teaching from afar and having the face to face in person interaction taken away, I'll be able to focus on the lesson planning again and practice it more along with creating my rubrics. So I am excited about that. I needed that.
Other things I have done that I am excited about is reading, planting some succulents, and keeping the rest of the house in order. Our spaces are cleaner, and I think I am really finding a routine that is sustainable. I can really tell that we have enough space in this house, because everything has a spot. It's wonderful.
I am looking forward to unpacking other boxes that needed to be unpacked, organizing more, and eventually decorating the house a bit. (Hopefully with some of my own art.) I have a painting I want to do that I think I can convince hubby to put in our room, assuming it turns out well. I am planning on using this time to write more, as well. I find that, in my classroom, I have a really hard time articulating myself well. I'm hoping I just need to push my brain a little bit. Reading and writing more will hopefully help more than just my mental health.
As much as I am trying to focus on the good, there are some unavoidable negatives. Of course, we are all struggling with being cooped inside. Not seeing our friends and coworkers like we're used to. One added factor for myself personally, is that like so many other industries, the courts are impacted. This means that any progress on my trial is on hold. It is hard not knowing when anything will take place, of what that might be. So in the meantime, I plan to do some of my writing centered around that. I miss writing poetry, and that was a great outlet for me previously regarding this subject, so I might try that again.
In bad moments, or bad days, everything seems to pile on itself and it's hard not to let it. I want to be informed about what is going on, but it is incredibly easy to become overwhelmed. Not to mention, my heart feels so much pain thinking about all the people who are in a position of having to go to work physically. Those who are losing their jobs, or healthcare workers who are losing their peers and patients on a daily basis. It is horrible. Our leadership is awful. How do we not get down about that? But I see the helpers-I AM one. I can be there for my kids, for my husband, for my friends, and my students. When I have good moments and good days, I can actively offer my love. I hope you all do the same. And if you can give in any other way do that, too.
I love you all. Here we go.
I did mention this in my last blog, but I am anxious about how this is going to work once Andrew, Logan, and myself are all working on computers. I need to make sure Henry is occupied such that he doesn't bother the rest of us. I will need to monitor what Logan is doing while working on the computer...Oof. It might not end up being too terribly hard. I hope not. I won't be expected to be glued to my computer, unless I have a lot of students requesting time to meet with me. Which wouldn't be the worst. I miss them.
Ok. Now on to the rest-It has been almost two full weeks that I have been at home. Last week was Spring Break-I was always going to be home then, anyway. I definitely took it easy. My tendency is to put a lot of expectation on myself and then get overwhelmed and just isolate. I did do that a bit, but I think it was more to do with spending too much time reading the news and getting depressed about the whole situation. I have done a better job the last few days of distancing myself from all of that. It has made a huge difference. Plus, now when I log onto social media, I actually have something new to look at from friends.
My work space is in the bedroom, so it has forced me to declutter and clean in ways we hadn't yet done since moving in. It has been great. We have a lot of windows in our bedroom and there isn't a ton of direct sunlight to bake me. It's wonderful. The cats have loved having the windows open, and the space feels serene.
I have been spending time with the boys-again, not as much as I would love to be doing in my mind's eye of who I am as a person, but we are on the line ALWAYS of wanting to spend time with each other and being annoyed that anyone else exists in the house. We're getting there. I have several low key projects we can do on top of daily outside time and just general random stuff.
Ok, and back to school-SORRY, can't help it! But I do have the time and luxury now with remote learning to really hone my skills on a basic level. So, while this is not ideal in any way, teaching from afar and having the face to face in person interaction taken away, I'll be able to focus on the lesson planning again and practice it more along with creating my rubrics. So I am excited about that. I needed that.
Other things I have done that I am excited about is reading, planting some succulents, and keeping the rest of the house in order. Our spaces are cleaner, and I think I am really finding a routine that is sustainable. I can really tell that we have enough space in this house, because everything has a spot. It's wonderful.
I am looking forward to unpacking other boxes that needed to be unpacked, organizing more, and eventually decorating the house a bit. (Hopefully with some of my own art.) I have a painting I want to do that I think I can convince hubby to put in our room, assuming it turns out well. I am planning on using this time to write more, as well. I find that, in my classroom, I have a really hard time articulating myself well. I'm hoping I just need to push my brain a little bit. Reading and writing more will hopefully help more than just my mental health.
As much as I am trying to focus on the good, there are some unavoidable negatives. Of course, we are all struggling with being cooped inside. Not seeing our friends and coworkers like we're used to. One added factor for myself personally, is that like so many other industries, the courts are impacted. This means that any progress on my trial is on hold. It is hard not knowing when anything will take place, of what that might be. So in the meantime, I plan to do some of my writing centered around that. I miss writing poetry, and that was a great outlet for me previously regarding this subject, so I might try that again.
In bad moments, or bad days, everything seems to pile on itself and it's hard not to let it. I want to be informed about what is going on, but it is incredibly easy to become overwhelmed. Not to mention, my heart feels so much pain thinking about all the people who are in a position of having to go to work physically. Those who are losing their jobs, or healthcare workers who are losing their peers and patients on a daily basis. It is horrible. Our leadership is awful. How do we not get down about that? But I see the helpers-I AM one. I can be there for my kids, for my husband, for my friends, and my students. When I have good moments and good days, I can actively offer my love. I hope you all do the same. And if you can give in any other way do that, too.
I love you all. Here we go.
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
At Home Schooling During COVID-19
Disclaimer: This is the place and the time I am giving myself to spill it all out. To air the thoughts that have been swirling around. I have not directly addressed them and it has made me cranky. Here we go:
The 13th of March may very well be the last time I saw my students. I did not even start the year with them. I began my teaching career January of 2020 and less than three months later, here we are.
I am mourning: We did not have much time together. This means that they barely got used to me before their learning was disrupted. I have two elective classes of students I have actually never even met before. I felt I was just getting to know myself as a teacher, and practicing how to be in the classroom. I saw what was working and what wasn't. Spring Break was going to give us all the chance to come back and try it all a little bit differently. I put a lot of emphasis on our relationships. Helping everyone feel as comfortable and happy as they could in my room. I provided snacks, lotion, sanitary pads, and hugs...cue my tears.
I needed more time to practice my skills. To give students what they deserve. I needed to make rubrics. To grade more quickly. To give feedback more often. To prepare myself better prior to my classes. To set clear boundaries on classroom expectations if I want to continue to be kind of loose. To figure out how better to accommodate students who need it. And so much more. Please don't misunderstand-I did not expect to have it all completely figured out. But I knew what I needed to do, and I don't know what any of this will look like online.
Some of these I will be able to work on. Others, not so much. Do you know how much feedback I give verbally? This blows.
Andrew has had to work from home for a week now. We don't know what his situation will look like. Everything changes so quickly with who can be open, what work can be done, and who even has a job anymore. He may be allowed or required to go back into the office. But for now, he has the office space downstairs.
I have made mine in our bedroom. We will see how that works out.
Logan will be expected to do whatever school looks like while at home. We have decided not to take Henry back to preschool. He may never see his teachers or friends again. This is hard on them both. And while we are all trying to figure out how to make this work, we are annoying the hell out of each other. As I look to finally being given guidance on my own job, I know I will have work to do. We will do our best to make a schedule and take turns (hopefully) dealing with the kids.
I have finally decided to stop looking at so much news. It is not good for me. Today there is sunshine. Today I have created my work space. Today the birds are singing. I have amazing friends who help me find the calm and remember the happy. It might have to be small things, but at least there are those. But make no mistake. Every time I would have said something to a child, every time I would have been given the opportunity to smile at them and give an encouraging nod, to offer some chocolate, or to just let them be-all of those are now gone. I miss them. But we move forward.
The 13th of March may very well be the last time I saw my students. I did not even start the year with them. I began my teaching career January of 2020 and less than three months later, here we are.
I am mourning: We did not have much time together. This means that they barely got used to me before their learning was disrupted. I have two elective classes of students I have actually never even met before. I felt I was just getting to know myself as a teacher, and practicing how to be in the classroom. I saw what was working and what wasn't. Spring Break was going to give us all the chance to come back and try it all a little bit differently. I put a lot of emphasis on our relationships. Helping everyone feel as comfortable and happy as they could in my room. I provided snacks, lotion, sanitary pads, and hugs...cue my tears.
I needed more time to practice my skills. To give students what they deserve. I needed to make rubrics. To grade more quickly. To give feedback more often. To prepare myself better prior to my classes. To set clear boundaries on classroom expectations if I want to continue to be kind of loose. To figure out how better to accommodate students who need it. And so much more. Please don't misunderstand-I did not expect to have it all completely figured out. But I knew what I needed to do, and I don't know what any of this will look like online.
Some of these I will be able to work on. Others, not so much. Do you know how much feedback I give verbally? This blows.
Andrew has had to work from home for a week now. We don't know what his situation will look like. Everything changes so quickly with who can be open, what work can be done, and who even has a job anymore. He may be allowed or required to go back into the office. But for now, he has the office space downstairs.
I have made mine in our bedroom. We will see how that works out.
Logan will be expected to do whatever school looks like while at home. We have decided not to take Henry back to preschool. He may never see his teachers or friends again. This is hard on them both. And while we are all trying to figure out how to make this work, we are annoying the hell out of each other. As I look to finally being given guidance on my own job, I know I will have work to do. We will do our best to make a schedule and take turns (hopefully) dealing with the kids.
I have finally decided to stop looking at so much news. It is not good for me. Today there is sunshine. Today I have created my work space. Today the birds are singing. I have amazing friends who help me find the calm and remember the happy. It might have to be small things, but at least there are those. But make no mistake. Every time I would have said something to a child, every time I would have been given the opportunity to smile at them and give an encouraging nod, to offer some chocolate, or to just let them be-all of those are now gone. I miss them. But we move forward.
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