Lately I seem to be having trouble with something that I feel is very fundamental to life. At one point in my life, I felt the way I wish I could feel again. Was my life perfect, with everything falling into place to make a utopia? Not really. I was coming to the end of the relationship I was in at the time; I could see that the end may be near. I was in school, and not really loving it. I wasn't doing well. My job was somewhat lacking in integrity.
Yet, somehow, I lived for a time in seemingly perfect peace. I knew I wasn't where I wanted to be. I knew there was pain in my future. There were many changes I needed to make. But I felt suspended in moment. And I don't mean I felt that way for a short moment. I'd wager it was a solid month where I knew that despite my current circumstances, everything would be okay. I felt radiant in this knowledge that no matter what was happening in the world, to me, to those I knew, it would all be okay. Even if what happened was terrible. I don't mean to imply I thought my life would be perfect. I just knew that whether good or bad, whatever was to happen, would come, and I would get through it. I was strong. I thought so many things were possible.
Since then, I got pregnant after an indescribably short time with the wrong man. Immediately before that, I was raped. I feel mostly past those things. Though, six years in the past, it will still rock me. I cannot quite seem to enjoy my formerly favorite time of year. Right when spring is starting. Even before the green replenishes. The sun is coming and there are days of mild cold but with the promise of warmth. The light at the end of that blasted tunnel.
A cousin of mine died recently. I did not know him well. He was older than me and moved away when I was still young. He was murdered. I think about it and I become so filled with rage; filled with extreme pain. At my job I must take claims for those who have passed. I internalize. I read the news of girls who are assaulted, then bullied. No justice is brought for them and they are surrounded by immature people who are so out of tune with what it means to be alive....to just be human. I become immobilized. I feel small. I feel hopeless. I read of children being killed. I see on the news parents finding out their child has been killed by watching the others still alive be reunited with their parents and being told there are no more families to be made whole. I see an entire world of people detached. Not caring. 'It's not me.' Either thankful they must not go through it, or remaining naive by just ignoring it. 'It's not me.'
Where is there a sense of community? A sense of ownership? I have friends who are with people who treat them like crap. They don't have the self-esteem to get out and the other doesn't have the guts to just be alone. They get their kicks out of making others feel small. Power. That's what assault is. That's what staying ignorant is. Anything to make sure you're more important that someone else. What about humility? What about realizing we're all just the same person trying to make it in the world without feeling like dying? Who can we trust? There are the corrupt everywhere you turn. I didn't used to feel this way. There was a time I knew I could make it. There was a time I didn't think that everything was going the wrong way. Was I naive? Was I ignorant? Was I just foolishly thinking that though I felt I could handle it, no wrong would ever befall me? What am I supposed to tell past self? Do I look at her and scoff at the childish notion, or is it still something to strive for? How can I get that back when all around me I see things crumbling.
It's hopeless. I don't want to feel this way. I am responsible for bringing up a child of my own. How am I supposed to teach him about the world? How do I teach him humility, and responsibility? How do I reconcile for him that he should be safe, but that really he isn't? How do I stop the fear from ruling? How do I instill in him faith in himself and self-esteem? How do I make sure he treats others exactly as we all should treat each other-as people just trying to live. I don't have the answers. I don't have anything close to an answer. Yet I'm supposed to be doing this, right now.
I don't know what it was that gave me the clarity I once had. I wish I could forgive. Wouldn't that be crazy? What if I just said-I forgive you Caleb, and really meant it? Or Ricardo. I forgive you, too? What about myself? For making mistakes. For bringing myself to where I am? Boy that would just be the funniest.
