So the last time we went to the pool, I was faced with a problem.  Logan loves the pool, and loves making friends.  If there is a kid about his size that makes eye contact with him, he immediately asks their name and if they want to play.  I love his confidence and willingness to just put himself out there.  It took a couple years for him to do that.  He loves to play with others.  So I saw him latch on to a kid, and they followed each other around the slide, and all the water equipment at this particular pool.  At one point, they both came out of the slide about the same time, clutching their heads.  Logan’s lip was starting form a pout and I called him over to me.  I asked what had happened and found out that he was the one who went right after the other child.  He knows better.  I took him to our towels and let him cry a little bit but I also wanted to remind him of the rules, and reinforce that his pain right then was the reason why there are rules.  So he was fine and went back to playing. 

He lost the little boy he had been playing with earlier, so Logan opted for going down the slide a bunch.  Andrew and I sat at the edge of the pool watching him and enjoying the sun, and pretty soon we saw a larger child walking right past the line of kids to the entrance of the slide.  He did it over and over, at times touching on the shoulder whatever child he wanted to get in front of and saying something to them.  I was contemplating what my role might be in this situation.  And then he did it to my own kid.  Logan turned to look at me pathetically, asking for help without talking.  I didn’t know what to do.  The big kid was already heading down the slide, and I was remembering all the times I was taken advantage of and bullied while growing up.  My heart broke because I knew I was on the other end and it was my job to instill in my child a level of confidence most adults lack.  He came to me after coming down the slide.

Logan said nothing, but I asked him what the other kid had told him.  He was reluctant to tell me.  What to say?  “Logan, if he wants to get in line in front of you and asks, it’s okay for you to let him if you want to.  But if you want your turn and you don’t want to let him in front of you, it’s okay for you to say no.”  Logan has always been so polite and hates to disappoint people.  He nodded, and ran back up the stairs.  I watched again as the kid came up, touched Logan on the shoulder, say something to him, then promptly lunge slightly at Logan and stick his tongue out.  He stood in front of Logan, and the look on my son’s face this time enraged me.  I should have expected the kid would do that.  What a horrible experience for my son, to have stood up for himself and receive no gratification.  When he came over this time, I told him that sometimes people still won’t listen to you but that he should still tell them no. 

I don't know how to navigate this.  I was not ready for this part of parenting.  Well that seems stupid to say.  I've not really been ready for any of it.  The other stuff, however, I knew to expect.  I knew to read some books, or talk to other parents beforehand.  This is the first experience he'll have of many that will break my heart.  He will be on his own to deal with it more than any parent would like.  I was there that time, though.

I didn’t ever say anything to the kid.  I did not go over and talk to his mom when I saw him speaking with her before going back up the slide.  Even when he was still acting that way while she was watching.  I am ashamed of myself and I am afraid I sent my son mixed signals, or that he knows I let him down and will not trust me to protect him.  I was not sure what my place was.  I continue to expect other people to be decent human beings and am constantly thwarted in my thinking.  I know I handled it incorrectly.  I will not allow it to happen again.  I am writing this as an apology to my son, to the other kids on that slide who were taken advantage of, and to the child who was bullying because he has not been taught.  I am writing this as a vow that I will no longer stand by when I see injustice.  As a small addition to my last post, wasn't it such a letdown when you discovered just because someone is full grown, it doesn't make them an adult?  I'm trying.

I'm Just Starting

So I sat down this weekend and made a list.  I listed all of the personal things I’d like to do.  I listed all of the friggin things that need to get done around the house on a weekly basis.  I listed all of the exercising I’d like to do in a week. I then assigned a time frame each day, and/or a day of the week to do them all.  I did this because I have, historically, been terrible at managing my time.  Really all that means is that I’m super lazy and would much rather sit on my ass watching the Big Bang Theory, or even just sleeping.  But I have gained weight and I think my son is starting to resent me.  Plus I kind of decided I would become a gardener so I need to be watering and pruning and praying to the gods for a good crop.  So, at present, I have yet to implement said list.  To any degree.  Well that’s not true.  I’m writing right now!  That was one of my goals.  And I put away some dishes yesterday; I also folded one whole basket of laundry.  Of course I didn’t then put the laundry away but I’m told it’s all about the baby steps so I’m not sweating.

In any case I really do want to get better at managing my time and if that means I have to make a freakin list and follow it, even to just do the things I want to, then that’s what I’ll do.  At 27 maybe I’ll finally become an adult.  You know, one of those mystical creatures you hear of.  ‘Hey!  That guy is 39, he’s an adult!  Never mind that he still lives with his parents and shares a bathroom with his 5 cats.  His job at the Burger King is going to take him places!’  Wasn’t it such a letdown when you realized that just because a person is over the age of 18, it doesn’t really make him an adult?  What is the definition of an adult anyway?  Def # one states: ‘having attained full size and strength; grown up; mature.’  Has everything to do with physical attributes, and nothing to do with mental.  I guess that’s our answer.  Technically you’re an adult once you reach adult size.  Of course that begs the question, what is full size and strength?  Am I to assume then that midgets, based on a technicality, are never adults?  Well that doesn’t quite seem fair.  I guess they can’t ride most rides at theme parks.  Hey!  That constitutes full size.  I think it’s 48 inches, which is only 4’ tall.  Anyway, I digress.  A lot.  I only mean to point out that it takes work to be alive, and to be considered an adult.  As with everything, it doesn’t just happen.

This should be just about the biggest cosmological DUH out there, yet I have met many people who seem to think that the universe just dumps into their lap whatever it wants to.  That there is nothing they themselves can do to change the course of their lives.  I firmly believe everything that happens is a direct result of the choices you’ve made, OR you’ve got a lesson to learn and you had better get on it, or that toe is going to keep getting stubbed, your lawn will keep dying, or you’ll keep seeing that black cat everywhere you go.  The point is you can have a pretty darn good life if you want to and you work at it.  I’ll add, with much snarkiness-that old saying of, nothing worth having comes easy.  Trust me though, I’m not some Buddah who has it all figured out.  If you think I’m not grumbling as I struggle through a minute long plank and hating every millisecond, you’ve lost your marbles and they're being used to freak people out at the end of MIB. 

What is my point?  I suppose what I want to say is simply that you can always improve, and you should.  It's always the right time to figure yourself out and do what you want.  So I am going to just decide to change.  Mostly because I don't yet like well enough the person I've come to be.  Again, though 27 means I've been an adult for years and years because I grew to be the size I am now when I was about 14, I don't have to except that this is just where I am.  I have a choice, and I choose to be better.

It is what it is.

Lately I seem to be having trouble with something that I feel is very fundamental to life.  At one point in my life, I felt the way I wish I could feel again.  Was my life perfect, with everything falling into place to make a utopia?  Not really.  I was coming to the end of the relationship I was in at the time; I could see that the end may be near.  I was in school, and not really loving it.  I wasn't doing well.  My job was somewhat lacking in integrity.

Yet, somehow, I lived for a time in seemingly perfect peace.  I knew I wasn't where I wanted to be.  I knew there was pain in my future.  There were many changes I needed to make.  But I felt suspended in moment.  And I don't mean I felt that way for a short moment.  I'd wager it was a solid month where I knew that despite my current circumstances, everything would be okay.  I felt radiant in this knowledge that no matter what was happening in the world, to me, to those I knew, it would all be okay.  Even if what happened was terrible.  I don't mean to imply I thought my life would be perfect.  I just knew that whether good or bad, whatever was to happen, would come, and I would get through it.  I was strong.  I thought so many things were possible.

Since then, I got pregnant after an indescribably short time with the wrong man.  Immediately before that, I was raped.  I feel mostly past those things.  Though, six years in the past, it will still rock me.  I cannot quite seem to enjoy my formerly favorite time of year.  Right when spring is starting.  Even before the green replenishes.  The sun is coming and there are days of mild cold but with the promise of warmth.  The light at the end of that blasted tunnel.

A cousin of mine died recently.  I did not know him well.  He was older than me and moved away when I was still young.  He was murdered.  I think about it and I become so filled with rage; filled with extreme pain.  At my job I must take claims for those who have passed.  I internalize.  I read the news of girls who are assaulted, then bullied.  No justice is brought for them and they are surrounded by immature people who are so out of tune with what it means to be alive....to just be human.  I become immobilized.  I feel small.  I feel hopeless.  I read of children being killed.  I see on the news parents finding out their child has been killed by watching the others still alive be reunited with their parents and being told there are no more families to be made whole.  I see an entire world of people detached.  Not caring.  'It's not me.'  Either thankful they must not go through it, or remaining naive by just ignoring it.  'It's not me.'

Where is there a sense of community?  A sense of ownership?  I have friends who are with people who treat them like crap.  They don't have the self-esteem to get out and the other doesn't have the guts to just be alone.  They get their kicks out of making others feel small.  Power.  That's what assault is.  That's what staying ignorant is.  Anything to make sure you're more important that someone else.  What about humility?  What about realizing we're all just the same person trying to make it in the world without feeling like dying?  Who can we trust?  There are the corrupt everywhere you turn.  I didn't used to feel this way.  There was a time I knew I could make it.  There was a time I didn't think that everything was going the wrong way.  Was I naive?  Was I ignorant?  Was I just foolishly thinking that though I felt I could handle it, no wrong would ever befall me?  What am I supposed to tell past self?  Do I look at her and scoff at the childish notion, or is it still something to strive for?  How can I get that back when all around me I see things crumbling.

It's hopeless.  I don't want to feel this way.  I am responsible for bringing up a child of my own.  How am I supposed to teach him about the world?  How do I teach him humility, and responsibility?  How do I reconcile for him that he should be safe, but that really he isn't?  How do I stop the fear from ruling?  How do I instill in him faith in himself and self-esteem?  How do I make sure he treats others exactly as we all should treat each other-as people just trying to live.  I don't have the answers.  I don't have anything close to an answer.  Yet I'm supposed to be doing this, right now.

I don't know what it was that gave me the clarity I once had.  I wish I could forgive.  Wouldn't that be crazy?  What if I just said-I forgive you Caleb, and really meant it?  Or Ricardo.  I forgive you, too?  What about myself?  For making mistakes.  For bringing myself to where I am?  Boy that would just be the funniest.