2012

So the New Year hasn't started yet, and there is a lot of exciting stuff left in the next week and a half, but 2012 is going to be an amazing year and I am excited to start it.

Andrew and I settled on a cruise, and once we book it we can let everyone know our wedding date.  Late August, people...

I will be hearing from State Farm by the end of this week for my final offer to work there.  Going through background checks.  I had an interview and they called me late one night to let me know they wanted me on board.  I have three weeks left at King Soopers and I am so happy.  I can't wait to start there.  I don't know if I'm more stoked about the money or the stability of hours.  Logan need the consistency too.  He hasn't been dealing well lately with having some days at home, and some days at daycare.  He gets upset when I take him there half the time.

Andrew and I have been talking a lot about our future, and this year is going to be the start of all of it.  Everything is looking up.  With a stable job I can start planning doing things.  I don't have to worry about working things around a job.  I am very excited about what this means.  When things come together better, I will share more information.

For this year though, I get to make Christmas dinner.  We have lots of presents to share and I am happy to be able to have a nice schedule to enjoy Christmas.  I get to see lots of family. 

WOOO

Feelin' good

So yesterday I applied to State Farm.  It's for an underwriting position, of which I already know some about.  I called to check on the ins and outs of the job posting.  It was posted on the fourth, and the desired start date for the 51, yes 51 positions, is January 9th.  That's only two months away.  I could have a very clear light at the end of the tunnel.  Trying hard not to get too excited, because this could just be the perfect place for me right now.  If I don't get it, who knows how long it will be before I find something else like this.  Been looking for months now, and I have barely found things to apply for, and hardly any of them were anywhere close to this good.

I talked to an HR employee and she said they haven't had enough applicants yet, so being in the first 51 to apply, I feel pretty confident that I'll get an interview.  I had started the process of interviewing at this company a couple of years ago when I decided to go back to school.  You do online testing, to see if you have basic comprehension and problem solving skills.  They want to know you can type fast.  I need to practice using the number pad, but my words per minute is 65 and above.  Blah blah blah.  I would have gotten hired except my school schedule interferred.  This time there will be nothing to intefere.  I can have regular hours, most weekends and nights off, a good salary, and NO UNIFORM.  I can wear what I want.  WOOOOO.  I cannot believe how anxious I am about this. 

Every time my phone rings I'm going to have a heart attack. 

Well I guess that's all.  Needed to write all of that so I can focus on writing my book.  Mute Math is my companion today.  Wooo

Job Search, Writing, and losing my mind

Holy cow.  I feel like there is no time to do all of the stuff that needs to be done, let alone what I want to do.  I feel anxious about everything.  It appears that I am unwanted by places that have job openings for something menial and basic like a secretary.  This isn't to say these jobs aren't nice, or rewarding.  I can very much see myself in something like that.  I don't want that to be my career, however.  Since I have been unable to receive contact from these places, I have decided to go out and dream big.  Super.  I have no experience though.  Oh sure, if you want to know what's on every burger at Carl's Jr. or where the scallions are, because you don't know they're just green onions, I'm your gal.  But if you want me to type up some e-mails, as far as my experience goes, you should absolutely laugh in my face and burn my application right in front of me.

I am unqualified for the jobs that i need to get me experience for other jobs.  So what...lie?  Beg?  Stage a protest that makes no sense because of course they are all going to hire someone with experience over someone who just really wants a job?  Yeah.  None of those seem good to me, either.

So while I am trying to decide what type of resume and cover letter to write to whichever company won't hire me, I am feeling like a loser because I want to write and feel like I don't have the time to do that and job searching.  Plus, there's the part where I'm a living person in a house that needs cleaning. 

I want this whole adult thing to be over with.  Or at least resolve the job issue.  I don't care if that means I have to have something else to worry about.  I'm done worrying about what the hell it is I'm going to do.  I'd like to be able to pay more of my bills.  Maybe I don't even get to pay all of them with the next job; but can I just pay more?  I'd also like my son to listen to me half of the time.  Look-I'm not even asking for all of the time.  Yet somehow, half seems to be incredibly idealistic as well. 

Yes, I'm being pathetic and whiny.  But look!  Self-aware.  Oh I don't know. 

Okay.  Fuck this.  I have a house.  I have low rent.  I have an adorable (when he wants to be) son.  I have an awesome fiance.  I just put gas in my car that got me over the half way mark.  I have put $20 into savings the last two weeks combined.  I have coffee to drink.  I have food to eat.  I have a computer and internet that allow me to be able to work on the things I need and want to. 

there.  Theoretically out of my funk.  Blast the music and eat some lunch.  maybe drink some wine.  I DON'T CARE THAT IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. I AM AN ECCENTRIC WRITER GOD DAMNIT. Ha.  That felt good, too.  Okay.  Adios.

The Super crazy month of november

This month is known to many as NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month.  Thousands and thousands of people embark on an intense journey to write 50,000 words in 30 days despite full time jobs, school, kids and whatever else they have going on.  I have joined the masses this year with a clear goal in mind.  I plotted out a story and made plans for my characters.  I finally started writing in a point of view that I don't find myself hating after three pages and being crippled by.  My dialogue doesn't blow chunks as it has in the past.  I feel good about what I'm writing and I am hoping for one more thing.  Catharsis.  Only the end of the month will tell if this was a bad idea, or if it was liberating and extremely joyful.  Maybe it could be all three.  I don't know.

In the world of jobs these days, I have picked up enough shifts the last two weeks because of other people getting fired (yay for stupidity and laziness?) that I have had around 35 hours.  Lately I have only been getting around 20-24.  Not nearly enough to do what I need my money to.  We have three new people in our department in three weeks, and are losing our manager.  None of this is a bad thing.  We have two new assistants who I think will be great.  It's just a lot of change all at once.  It's exciting, though. 

Outside of my current job, I have decided that since i have not heard back from the jobs I am only applying for because they will be better than the one I have now, I have decided that regardless of whether theyare hiring or not, I will only apply to places I REALLY want to work at.  Jobs that I know will make me happy aside from paying my bills.  I figure almost anything I choose outside of retail will pay me more than I'm getting now, so the money part shouldn't be hard to fulfill.  In finding a place to at least apply to, anyway.  I have decided to write a kick ass cover letter, obviously tweeking a few things based on where I apply, and find people to write me reccomendations.  After that, I have to figure out what I can to with, or to, the application to make myself and it stand out.  I get to be creative right now.  Super creative month.  It's what I like to do so I should be happy.

Which, by the way, I am.  On a random note, I again feel the urge to write how happy I am with my life as a whole.  Yes, money is stressful but honestly, I don't really see a time where we won't be at least a little concerned as to where money will come from, or how to use it the best when we have it.  Especially if and when we start adding more kids to the mix.  However, I know that I have found the right person for me to go through all of this with.  Andrew cares for me deeply and he doesn't just assume I know it because he's with me. 

Blah blah, mushy icky gooey stuff.  I will probably be staying at my mom's tomorrow night because of the late hour I will be getting off of work and she will watch Logan.  I am going to ask her if we get Christmas decorations like we did Halloween.  I want to start decorating soon.  It might seem a little early, but it takes a lot of work to put it all up and take it all down.  it hardly seems worth it to enjoy for a short month.  Especially when Andrew and I aren't here as much as we'd like to be.  I am also just wanting to enjoy the Hoildays.  So there. 

Guess this update is over.  Better chug my coffee and get the kid dressed to go to daycare.  Good luck to everyone doing NaNoWriMo, and I love you guys.

At home with the dude today!

Yesterday saw us putting the finishing touches to our costumes.  I suppose we have just a little more to do.  Tomorrow night we are going to do a dry run of how we'll look.  My mom went through her mom's old costume jewlery and found some rings and a necklace for me to wear.  She also found some glitter that I was looking for.  I am going to put glitter on all parts of my skin showing, as well as in my hair.  My make-up will be a gold smokey eye and I can't wait.  Going to just make my hair wavy and let it stay down.  I guess I still need to decide if I want to be a particular goddess and figure out how to make it apparent which one it is I am.  Andrew will wear a white button up shirt with a vest, nice black pants, and a cloak.  My mom found a couple of roses that we need to figure out how to attach to his vest.  We'll slick his hair back-and I just can't wait because he is going to be so freakin sexy.

Andrew and I picked out our pumpkins, two each, and Logan got three tiny pumpkins to paint.  Next Sunday we will have a pumpkin party and decorate.  It's going to be awesome.  I have several days off this week, which means not a lot of money, but it also means more time to get things done that I want to.  I have been feeling more motivated to be productive on several different things.  Cleaning for one.  I also have been thinking of how to plan out my book for NaNoWriMo and will start writing an outline today.  I took a little long to do it, but I'm happy that I am still doing better than last year.  I want this to be a success.  I also think I will work some on my poetry so that when I find a place to send some, I will be ready and won't feel like I have to rush to get something ready. 

Logan is with me and right now he is coloring.  He has been so cute.  He loves to pretend he's a puppy, and he will rub his face and head on mine to show he loves me.  It's adorable.  He keeps wanting to play outside, but the weather today is definitely acting much more like fall than it has been.  I'm not ready to feel cold yet.  At some point I guess I better take him outside, though, or he'll lose his mind.

Also-it is several months away, but I never think about it in time...if anybody has suggestions on cheapish birthday party ideas for Logan, that would be wonderful.  He will be four on Jan. 26th.  Someone has suggested having it at a firestation.  The firemen talk to the kids about the engines and they get to look in them I guess.  I don't know weather it costs.  The problem is, everyone we know is in Greeley, who would be coming anyway, and we live in Windsor.  Huh.  Maybe I don't care.  It's not a long drive.  We could have something at home, I guess.  Maybe it's time to invite the family along with all of his daycare friends.  It would be the first time we host something like that.  Intense.  And super awesome.  You know what?  I think that's what I want to do.  Just have to think up a theme.  Well.  I've rambled on long enough.  Have a great day everybody!

Halloween is upon us!!!!!

Yesterday was the first time I have ever made chili myself.  It was a success.  Started it at 8 in the morning and ate it twelve hours later after my shift ended.  After dinner, we made Andrew's mask for Halloween.   He's going to be the phantom.  Now normally, one would be able to simply buy a mask.  I'd like to say that I'm just a bad-ass so I just whipped out my crafts and decided to make one for the hell of it.  Andrew, however, has a huge head and there isn't a mask on the planet (that we found anyway) to fit his head.  In any case, the first phase went well, I think.  Today we will sand it down then paint it to make it nice and glossy. 

Before that we are LOOKING FOR PUMPKINS!  My parents have always carved pumpkins.  We have been collecting patterns for years and pumpkin carving is an epic event in my house.  We won't actually carve them until next weekend so they still look nice for Halloween night.  I'm very excited, too, because at work they have a yearly carving contest and my department has agreed to let me carve it.  I think nobody else wants to take the time.  That's fine.  I love doing it. 

As far as decorating goes for Halloween, we have made a fake guy to sit on the front porch.  Overalls, a long sleeved shirt and the creepiest mask I have seen.  We have a skeleton that died in a dungeon and lots of faces coming at you from trees, the garage, and the house.  Logan got to help by putting up window clings.  I freaking love Halloween.  What I love even more is that I am creating traditions with my family.  Andrew and I are both bringing our familial holiday traditions to our new family and loving it. 

I am constantly astounded at what we are creating as a life for ourselves.  I love what we do and how we do it.  Yeah, I know.  That was super vague.  Sorry.  I guess I don't want this post to be about that.  I just wanted to say that I am very happy with everything in my life. More to come!!

Stuff and things, things and stuff

Yesterday, I did not make purses.  Once again, I underestimated the fact that there is a learning curve at all...I ended up only sewing a random piece of fabric so I could get used to how to use the machine.  My mom hasn't sewed in awhile, so I guess we just weren't getting anything done last night.  That's fine.  Using the machine made me think I could really get into sewing.  Having learned several things, I know that once I know how to use it, it will be so nice.  And for once I'm not dreading the learning period.  I have to experience it to get to the knowledge of it. 

At work, I have gained several nick-names.  One, is smiley.  This from an older gentleman who works in the meat and seafood department, who very rarely smiles himself.  At one point I thought of trying to time telling dirty jokes to another coworker to see if the man had a soul.  Well, he does.  I think it's just tired.  The ladies who make sushi call me honey, and I love it.  They're so sweet.  One of the supervisor types called me the produce goddess....not sure how I feel about that one.  Though, he put goddess in there, so I guess as long as it's not 'of trash' I shall be happy.  That same person has made it his mission now, though, to recite the old jingle for the Libby's comercials.  When he calls for my help up front using the over head system that the customers can hear as well, he sings the first part of it...  I guess it's endearing.

This coming Saturday, I will be going with some coworkers to a nightclub in Denver.  I am so excited.  I was just starting to get into the swing of my own life when I became pregnant, and then everything I did became part of Logan's life.  My own fun and games came to a screeching halt before they even started.  So now, when he is almost four, I have found some people to hang with.  Never mind they are all 4-7 years younger than I.  Ugh.  Seeing it makes it worse.  I'm old compared to them.  Jesus.  I'm only 25.  What is this shit?  Anyway...I digress in my old age.  We are getting dressed up and skanked out to dance with a bunch of lesbian and gay people.  Ha.  I'm very excited.  Flirting with literally no damage done because it's just for the sake of flirting.  The following weekend, after being together for over two eyars, I will finally be going with my fiance to our FIRST PARTY TOGETHER.  Yes, we've been to some small get-together's, but nothing I would call a party.  For Halloween...our third together, we will finally be going out.  I guess we've been to a bar before.  Like twice.  I AM old.  I will be...wait for it.....a goddess.  HA.  Have my costume and I'm stoked.  And now it's late.  I allofasudden feel very tired.  Mostly in my back.  So off to bed with me.  More tomorrow.

First time ever...

Today was the first time I acted as an activist.  In my little home town of Greeley, someone had put together an effort to march to our local congressman's office to ask for his support on Obama's Job lesgislation.  It sadly, is only going to the senate which is not going to get much done.  The House doesn't apparently care to have it brought to them.  I won't get seriously political today because I have a feeling I am going to start getting into it a lot and I don't need every post to be about it.  However, I will say that if you are unemployed, or underemployed, I really encourage you to look at wearethe99percent.com and look at facebook or google for local gatherings for occupywallstreet and other such organizations.

I am struggling myself, and even I didn't realize how many people are doing so terribly.  How many people are so close to losing homes, and not affording the rice they eat for every meal.  I am not that close to poverty and I hope I never am there.  If any of you are, this is a way to help give you a voice. 

In other news, tonight my mom is going to show me how to use the sewing machine.  I am going to attempt making a couple of purses out of old tank tops.  I have a couple of things to hand sew on for embellishments...I think I could really get into this.  Hopefully it's not terribly difficult to do.  I shouldn't think it would be, but I have never sewn before.  It's about darn time I learn. 

Btw-for those of you who know my history with my mom, I probably haven't shared with many of you how it's going lately.  It's pretty awesome.  We have been communicating a lot easier, with effort on both sides and we get along really well.  Nothing is forced, or awkward.  There was a time I didn't even want this.  I thought we might just almost literally hate each other until one of us died.  Now it's really good, and has the chance to get better.  That's a load off my brain...and emotions. 

Guess that's all for now.  If the purse making goes well, I may just have to write an update later tonight.  Before that happens though, there will be pizza eating and much fun with my little man.  Adios for now

This weekend

I had to work for a good part of the weekend which kind of stunk, but I was still able to see my guys.  Yesterday we started making a cleaning schedule because we keep letting everything get too messy in the house.  We have organized better which helps.  I think we sort of tried to do what the schedule lays out beforehand, but didn't really have any concrete idea.  We were both waiting for the other one to start, or finish something.  Of course, neither of us said anything.  Well after four months, we finally have a system to ensure things stay clean.  Now I just need to stay warm.

Yesterday, Logan got up and went to the bathroom by himself when he woke up for the first time ever.  I was barely awake and I heard the toilet flush.  We were all in bed for another hour.  He's getting so big, my little boy.  He just chastized me for not washing my hands after going to the bathroom. 

On another note, we are out of creamer, and I am such an creature of habit...of course we don't have any regular creamer.  I use the vanilla flavored stuff.  I have never been able to drink coffee with just sugar.  Haha.  And now, as more evidence that my son is getting older, he was jumping on the bed and screaming "Behold the GIANT!"  Where did he learn the word behold?  Jeezo.  Well, off I go to try and get some things done.  Maybe I'll warm up.  HOT CHOCOLATE!!!!!  Ha.  Screw coffee today.

My favorite show...

is Parenthood.  THis week's episode hit me pretty close to home.  I can empathise with almost every episode.  My son is only three and a half, and I'm not even married yet, but I have a family.  While I was pregnant, I had lots of fears.  I didn't think I would have a husband this soon.  I didn't think Logan would have someone as a father.  When I pictured myself getting married, it was with a 15 year old Logan walking me down the aisle.  I feared I wouldn't be a very good parent.  I feared that I would be insufficient.  I still have some of those fears but they are much less with Andrew here bu my side. 

Watching this latest epsiode though, I was watching a fictional teenage girl getting her heart broken for the first time.  I watched, and realized I broke the heart of my first boyfriend.  I knew that when the girl's mom talked to her and the girl finally divulged her relationship was over, that the mom was sad for her daughter, but mostly happy that she was able to be there for her intelligent, self-sufficient child.  Because even though he's only three, my son has his own thoughts.  He doesn't want a kiss from me hardly ever, and tonight for the first time in months and months, he wanted me to kiss his hand that he had hurt on a toothpick.  I was so happy that he wanted me I could have cried.

The patriarchs of this fictional family have had their own ups and downs.  Tonight was rather poignant to my own life.  While I love Andrew and support him, and want to always be happy for him, I realized that  the jealousy and self-pity the grandmother was feeling was similar to my own.  Watching my successful fiance writing for a popular website and having loyal followers has been hard for me.  I went to school to get a degree in English and have yet to be published at all, on any degree.  I write this blog which, so far, has yet to be read by anybody but him, really.  I feel inferior and a failure.  I love seeing his success, but it also reminds me all the time of my lack of the same.  You're reading this, honey, and I want you to know that I want to hear about your articles.  I love that you write.  I know you're passionate about baseball, and you have a very good ability to write.  I'm just sharing my thoughts.

I'll end this tonight by saying only that if you are part of a faimly, please don't let stupid shit like life get in the way of love and the importance and support.

Super excited, and sharing just because I ca

Plan for today.  Go to work in 15 min.  Laugh with co-workers.  Come home to loving, and adoring fiance and son.  Go to bed.  Wake up.  Make big breakfast.  Eat with family.  See fiance off to work.  Put on the most kick ass-iest music ever and do projects with son.  Hang up correct projects.  Write.  Plan out more projects that cannot be completed at my own house because I have not the proper tools.  Apply for jobs.  Make dinner.  Listen to music and light candles while eating dinner with family.  Put son to bed.  Cuddle with fiance on couch while watching our two favorite shows: Parenthood and The Office.

Btw, right now I'm listening to 'The Winner is' off of the Little Miss Sunshine soundtrack.  My god, it doesn't get better than that for a song without lyrics.  I dare you to listen to it and not feel totally happy and inspired.

Just a quick note to super market shoppers

You're in your local grocery department, in the produce section.  You are eyeing the grapes and wonder what price they are.  Instead of using your eyes and looking for the price that is located in three different areas, you ask the produce clerk who happens to be 15 feet, or more, away how much your precious grapes are.  The clerk then walk over, and very obviously, looks at the price located right in front of your own eyeballs, because contrary to what every shopper seems to believe, the worker does not in fact have every price memorized.

One more thing, please do not ask a question when we are very obviously helping another person.  And if you want us to check in the back for more than one item, for the love of god, if you could remember to mention them all the first time and not send is back two or three times, that would be wonderful.

This will eventually save your life, because if you think the postal workers are postal, just try on the grocers.

Lots of random

So a week ago, My fiance and I had my mom take our engagement pictures.  It's one more step on the way to a wedding that I still almost can't believe is going to take place.  I met the man I will spend the rest of my life with.  For better or worse, and I'm sure there are times he feels it's worse.

My son has decided to be Iron Man for Halloween and he's very excited about it.  I can't wait to see him with the fake muscles built in.  I'm sure he'll be adorable.  Last year he was a fireman and completely obsessed with it.

Last night I found a website that has sent me into a head space I can't handle.  It's called wearethe99percent.  People share their stories in hopes that wall street will pay attention, and maybe care about the dire financial situations most of the country happens to be in.  Well educated, dedicated people of all ages who cannot afford to pay for everything in their life.  I spent an hour reading through story after story, and trying not to lose the last bit of hope I have that things may get better.  In really desperate moments, I'm terrified that our country could collapse.  It survived a depression in 1929, two world wars, and countless other wars, yet even though we have more opportunities now than back then, I can't help but feeling we are doing worse.  We're not even fighting a war now.  I live in a state whose education funding is much lower than the national average and I wonder why we pay such high costs to go to school.  I got an education that did not prepare me for how to use my degree in the real world.  Granted, I got a Bachelor's in English.  Someone could still have sat me down and said 'these are some things to consider when entering the work force.'  My fiance was given that information.  They even helped him create a resume and coached him on what to ask for from employers.

I don't know what will happen to everybody, but I do know that there are too many people looking out only for themselves.  If this could be remedied, maybe things would get better.  I don't know.  I just can no longer be naive about what is going on in my surroundings.

Mundane, but awesome

Today is a cleaning house day.  Boring, and no fun at all.  Though, when we get music going and have clean dishes and clothes, it feels much better.  I also love that when I tell my son we're cleaning, he wants to help.  Of course, most of the time, it does not end up being actual help.  His favorite thing to do is clean the front of the oven about ten times in a row. 

If I catch him in a particularly mature mood, I can get him to pick up his toys and put them away.  Mostly he tries to tell me he's playing with them all even though he hasn't even touched them in hours.  We listen to music, and Andrew and I sneak kisses or some PG13 cuddling while Logan eats a snack or takes a nap.  Today we have tons of laundry to do and more organizing in the bathroom.  We have a very exciting day planned tomorrow.

We will be dropping the kid off with my dad, and my mom is going to take our engagement pictures.  After that, she has a bunch of Halloween stuff to dump on us so I imagine we will come home and have some fun decorating.  Meanwhile, I'm just happy that I get to have my fiance home, and not in Wyoming for work. 

Ha-and on a completely unrelated note, I received notice this morning that my loan deferment was accepted, so I won't have to worry so much about paying for rent the next few months.  Of course, I'm hoping I get another job.  Looking and applying for jobs is exhaustive, and detrimental to your self-worth.  Anyway.  I haven't written for a couple of days and I will do better keeping up with my life. 

Don't know quite what to say today

Last night I could not write because I did not have my computer.  I worked until 10 pm then stayed at my mom's as she was watching my son.  While at work my brain had so many thoughts I wondered if I should get checked for having schizophrenia. 

I was acutely missing my fiance, partly due to the fact that a co-worker insists on talking in a sexy, sexy irish accent.  I also started contemplating what happens when we die.

AGHHHHH...SHE'S GOING TO GET PHILOSOPHICAL.

I just wonder if it's possible to really make your peace with someone after they die.  I believe very much in reincarnation.  I also think that perhaps we, in each life, walk in the same circles of people.  What if, when you die, whatever the nature of your relationship with a given person was you picked it back up at the spot when reborn.  I'm just saying, if you were harmonious at death, then you start off that way again.  If, however, your relationship was strained, you might pick it back up in that way.

So if this is the case, how do you fix something with someone when they have already passed?  Am I doomed to start my next life with that soul in a crappy place because we didn't have the chance to repair it before their death?

This is al I have energy for right now.  What do you think?

If I were 15 I might be just like, so excited! OMG lol

Working the last half hour of my shift today, I was changing the front ad table from lousy bell peppers to avacados and my store manager waddles over to me, as he does, and starts in talking about how we had a mystery shopper the other day and they come in every two periods so every month we will get a mystery shopper blahblahblahblah.  I am desperately trying not to leave my associate in produce with a ton of extra work after I leave, so I'm not paying much attention.

As he's talking, this manager is somewhat fondling some business size papers and pulling out a pen.  He then finally gets to the point and says that I "acknowledged the shopper and put the customer first" so I get a coupon for $1 off of anything in the store. 

Great, now only if I had $1 to begin with.

First, to get my feet wet.

Just to introduce myself a little bit-I work at King soopers in produce.  It's rather un-inspiring and I will be starting something better soon.  I don't know what that is yet, but I'm fairly confident it will be super awesome.  I'm talking minimal micro-managing with the possible ability to wear my own clothing.

After having my son three and a half years ago, my bedtime is right after his.  At 25, i already feel like the mom who is totally lame and has no idea what's going on.  I jumped on board with twitter, and the whole thing confuses me.  I find myself screaming at the computer and the random posts I see that can hardly be described as English. 

I feel like I am a repressed rebel who is constantly spazzing out on the inside.  I talk way too much.  Hence, I find solace in this blog.  Here comes the insanity...or maybe I'm just thinking too highly of myself.