Have nothing much to say

Nothing the first:  My job.  I really like it.  I talk to people all day, which I like to do.  And in some ways I get to investigate things.  Taking phone calls on a more regular basis now that I'm out of training affirms that I have learned something.  Unfortunately, part of what I've learned is that there are two very big problems with the way things are handled internally.  One may not be a huge issue if the agents and their staff simply accepted it and took two seconds to make a phone call.  The other is not their fault, but rather a large company who for some reason isn't taking advantage of the opportunity to make more money.  Neither really works for me, or seems acceptable.  Both are something I want to be a part of rectifying, I really only see one as being a possibility.  And even then, a long shot.  I have to convince corporate talking heads that what they know is wrong, and what they think is beyond retarded.  Hell, I can't hardly get my own mother to accept that I can make decisions that won't explode in my face, and remember when we are meeting up to do something.

Btw- when you call a center, and the person on the other end is trying to resolve the issue you have, please stop yelling at them at that point.  They probably realize that the way they have to handle things may not be the best.  Someone else might have messed up before you got on the phone with the present person.  I realize you may be miffed beyond belief.  But at a certain point, your venting is just you being a fucking asshole.  So take a breath, calm the fuck down, and let that rep help you.  In a perfect world, everybody will know what they're doing.  But sometimes, somebody is new at their job.  Be patient.  Be kind.  And if you're a bitch to somebody, for the love of God do not be surprised when they come back at you in kind.  If that person somehow manages to keep their cool, and lets you bitch your head off; thank them for listening to you without hanging up, crying, or yelling right back at you.  Just because you can't see them and you don't know each other doesn't mean your yelling doesn't affect them.  

Nothing the 2nd: I really have tried to be better with my mom.  I know that I have been.  I upset her this past weekend and went to apologize and we had a good conversation and got past it.  I was sorry I upset her.  It made me sad to see her so hurt.  A year or so ago, that would not have been the case.  I feel like we have come really far.  She is offering to pay for, honestly, most of the wedding and that is amazing.  What I haven't been able to get out of my head is the fact that she has my clarinet.  It got stolen my senior year of high school, about three weeks before I graduated.  I was devastated.  Almost exactly a year later, it was found.  I didn't end up playing much because I was new to college, had a full time job, and new boyfriend.  I also moved out of my parents house for the first time.  I then got pregnant and my whole life changed.  I didn't play much.  My mom came into hard times and decided she might sell it.  At this point that still has not happened, and the things she buys and the way she spends her money lead me to believe only one thing.  She is not so hard up that she still needs a thousand dollars right this second.  Not only that, but she then wanted to sell it to pay for dental cleaning for myself, and a bed for Andrew and I.  With my new job, I have dental insurance, and Andrew has been saving up for a bed.  Her needs/desires to sell the clarinet are now moot.  Yet when I brought it up the last time, pointing some of these things out, it was clear she would not discuss it with me.

I don't know what to do.  I have writing as an outlet, but I have to think about what i'm about to create.  With my clarinet, I just play.  My fingers remember a rift as I see it on the page.  I can play scales on a whim.  And I really love the sound.  I love producing music.  I love being by myself with it.  And I miss it.  I miss it and I want to play, and there's a part of me that feels my mother could care less about me and my happiness to not even consider letting me have it back.  

Nothing the 3rd: I feel really dumb feeling upset about these things when I really have a lot to be happy about.  I have a job that pays better than anything I've had to this point.  I have benefits and regular hours.  I get to see Logan all the time.  And my fiance just came in to the bedroom, playing a game I begged him to buy last weekend so we could play together.  

Nothing the 4th: This time of year always reminds me of the worst part of my life.  The time I was with Caleb. It was the most terrible time of my life.  I cant't help but think about the uneasiness and unhappiness that comes with March.  There are several things; most of which I don't feel like I can share on here.  Not yet.  

.....I mostly just needed to vent.  I am sorry that none of this was very happy.  But it's what I'm thinking about.  And if it's vague, it's because i'm thinking about it but can't bring myself to go that far right now.  I've already cried really hard once tonight.  I can wait until tomorrow to do it again.