At times I can be very anxious. I believe I am an extroverted, anxiety ridden blob of fear. So I want all the attention but at the same time I'm afraid it's all negative and people are judging me very harshly.
I think that's the culprit of my past bad interviews. I mean, they are truly there to judge you and because I think low of myself anyway, I'm already a disaster because I now have to convince people who aren't me and don't know the crap in my head that I'm worth a damn so I ramble and try to explain better and end up using too many words that say nothing and now they think I may not even have the brain functionality of a 12 year old. I stare at them and my brain goes through about 100 different things they are thinking, and then THAT gets in the way of my mouth and sometimes I lose my train of thought and because it was a malfunctioning train to begin with I'll never get it back on track so I just sit there and pretend like I'd made a real thought and that it answered their question while I become awkwardly silent.
I'm sure I drive those who know me crazy. Because I am extroverted, the fact that I'm terrified of the resulting attention probably never occurs to them. When people laugh at something funny I said, or tell me positive things, I hardly know what to do with myself. I get this insane euphoric feeling while at the same time questioning their sanity and motives. Not always, and not always even in a big way, but it's there.
So after that, we have the part where I, every once in a while, get into a funk so heavy I feel desperately alone and hungry for human contact and then severely disappointed when that contact fails to make me feel any better. I know it's because contact is not likely what I need. Or at least not in the strict sense. I need closeness. I need uninterrupted, unencumbered, quality one on one time and there isn't a whole lot in our daily lives that lends itself to that encounter. So I get in a cycle of checking social media because hey! those people are my friends, and then feeling even worse because seeing where someone ate lunch that day, or took vacation, or missed the bus because their alarm sucks doesn't give me that one on one connection.
This stupid funk can last for days and I vacillate. I know I need to voice my feelings as best I can, and I know I need to make myself come out of it enough to force myself to make my needs clear, but then we're back to the part where I can feel really crappy about myself and why even bother sharing? It's my stupid brain, and my stupid thoughts, and it takes so much effort sometimes to even say anything let alone something that will make sense to another human.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Job Search
I quit my job at State Farm in June. It has now been three months since I've been employed. I have had two face to face interviews, and one phone interview. I have revamped my cover letters to attempt to set myself apart. I have tried to appeal to human nature and explain my shortcomings while not making it apparent I have any. I have included a photo of myself to show I am a real person and not just one more boring loser trying to get a job I have no business trying for.
This is all really defeating and I'm sick of keeping track of positions I've applied to and watching denial after denial come through. Meanwhile I am trying to define what it is I'd truly like to be doing and work towards those goals. I finally found some motivation and (while somewhat tipsy) created a chart of jobs I'd like to do assuming I had no restrictions. From there I decided what items could be hobbies rather than a viable job and what items could be jobs even if I needed to learn a trade and/or spend significant money to see to fruition.
My next step is to figure out what all I need to do to make those dream jobs a reality. Outside of that I do have one prospect that actually has me excited, but also rather terrified:
I have applied to be a substitute teacher.
My degree is in English with a minor in writing. I have said I will sub for kindergarten through high school but if I'm being completely honest I still feel like High School was five years ago. I don't feel far enough removed to be a commanding presence for those kids.
I am all set to start, and I am actually fairly excited about the opportunity. So I will keep everyone updated with my progress. Good luck, me. And I shall share stories from this kiddos.
This is all really defeating and I'm sick of keeping track of positions I've applied to and watching denial after denial come through. Meanwhile I am trying to define what it is I'd truly like to be doing and work towards those goals. I finally found some motivation and (while somewhat tipsy) created a chart of jobs I'd like to do assuming I had no restrictions. From there I decided what items could be hobbies rather than a viable job and what items could be jobs even if I needed to learn a trade and/or spend significant money to see to fruition.
My next step is to figure out what all I need to do to make those dream jobs a reality. Outside of that I do have one prospect that actually has me excited, but also rather terrified:
I have applied to be a substitute teacher.
My degree is in English with a minor in writing. I have said I will sub for kindergarten through high school but if I'm being completely honest I still feel like High School was five years ago. I don't feel far enough removed to be a commanding presence for those kids.
I am all set to start, and I am actually fairly excited about the opportunity. So I will keep everyone updated with my progress. Good luck, me. And I shall share stories from this kiddos.
Monday, August 14, 2017
Uneasy
In my current state I find myself turning to the written word to work through it all. Yet I'm not sure where to start. I feel fragile.
Since the start of the most recent presidential campaign I have, at times, felt overwhelmingly alone. Alone in the severity of my distress. Alone in being unable to understand the extreme hate and love of ignorance; deep thought and polite discourse losing out to the excitement of being loud and 'right'.
I have read and reread that disdain and prejudice towards others is a learned trait brought about because of some agenda. Yet. What agenda could be so huge that you must create a perceived negativity so huge in others that we spit vile and desire to create pain. I don't understand.
This 'otherness' is awful. And it's on so many levels, big and small. I feel it, too. I can't possibly have anything in common with those swastika carrying, rifle shooting, hate mongering men and women right? But that's not true. They have fears. They've been told something will happen if we treat everyone the same. They believe 'others' shouldn't have the same rights; that they shouldn't share the same space even. That their 'otherness' is such a threat that it must be kept at bay. That maybe, they even should be eradicated from the planet we all share.
I don't understand. But we are not different at our core. We are not. We are the same. You and I work towards goals just as 'they' do. I didn't want to turn preachy. I guess I have an intense desire to find a resolution. To find the end of the tunnel, and emerge in the sun renewed after dredging through the dark. You guys, I'd love to say the answer is that we all stop seeing the 'otherness' and realize we are all the same. That is incredibly unrealistic. So I'm not sure what the answer is. What I do know is that I have become so sensitive to hearing anybody suggest violence, feeling wholly sick to my stomach. Whether it's accompanied by hate speech, or sometimes worse, just an offhand remark. As if the idea of killing somebody was just as normal as pouring your cereal and milk in the morning. Something everybody has done, and many of us, everyday of our lives. Should we just as often get rid of the others?
This has gotten so rambly, but I did warn you I was trying to work through it. I'm not sure I will. I know that I can make changes in my own life. Be more aware of myself and my thoughts and reactions. I can call people out if I witness something. We have a hard climb ahead, knowing we have leaders who care not and use every chance they have to discredit those who would be the real helpers. But we can help each other. We can boost one another up and never stop talking about it and standing up for people. Fear is strong, but it becomes hopeless and makes mistakes. Love is never ending. It finds strength in little things and becomes emboldened at every step.
I still feel awful. I feel the ugliness and I've been crying so much. But I will not be kept quiet. But please, try to find a way to feel the 'we'-the 'us' and not so much 'them' and 'they'. It won't help.
Since the start of the most recent presidential campaign I have, at times, felt overwhelmingly alone. Alone in the severity of my distress. Alone in being unable to understand the extreme hate and love of ignorance; deep thought and polite discourse losing out to the excitement of being loud and 'right'.
I have read and reread that disdain and prejudice towards others is a learned trait brought about because of some agenda. Yet. What agenda could be so huge that you must create a perceived negativity so huge in others that we spit vile and desire to create pain. I don't understand.
This 'otherness' is awful. And it's on so many levels, big and small. I feel it, too. I can't possibly have anything in common with those swastika carrying, rifle shooting, hate mongering men and women right? But that's not true. They have fears. They've been told something will happen if we treat everyone the same. They believe 'others' shouldn't have the same rights; that they shouldn't share the same space even. That their 'otherness' is such a threat that it must be kept at bay. That maybe, they even should be eradicated from the planet we all share.
I don't understand. But we are not different at our core. We are not. We are the same. You and I work towards goals just as 'they' do. I didn't want to turn preachy. I guess I have an intense desire to find a resolution. To find the end of the tunnel, and emerge in the sun renewed after dredging through the dark. You guys, I'd love to say the answer is that we all stop seeing the 'otherness' and realize we are all the same. That is incredibly unrealistic. So I'm not sure what the answer is. What I do know is that I have become so sensitive to hearing anybody suggest violence, feeling wholly sick to my stomach. Whether it's accompanied by hate speech, or sometimes worse, just an offhand remark. As if the idea of killing somebody was just as normal as pouring your cereal and milk in the morning. Something everybody has done, and many of us, everyday of our lives. Should we just as often get rid of the others?
This has gotten so rambly, but I did warn you I was trying to work through it. I'm not sure I will. I know that I can make changes in my own life. Be more aware of myself and my thoughts and reactions. I can call people out if I witness something. We have a hard climb ahead, knowing we have leaders who care not and use every chance they have to discredit those who would be the real helpers. But we can help each other. We can boost one another up and never stop talking about it and standing up for people. Fear is strong, but it becomes hopeless and makes mistakes. Love is never ending. It finds strength in little things and becomes emboldened at every step.
I still feel awful. I feel the ugliness and I've been crying so much. But I will not be kept quiet. But please, try to find a way to feel the 'we'-the 'us' and not so much 'them' and 'they'. It won't help.
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