Accepting It

This was written several days ago, but I just now found the time to type it up...

Today marks day four of a regular workout plan I started.  The goals are to lose weight, be toned, improve my activity levels, be healthier, sleep better, and in general just to do something for myself.  It's becoming part of the time I spend with my husband as we are doing it together.  Logan sometimes joins, even by electively telling us good job.

The workouts are trying, and I have been constantly sore for the last three days.  Partly good sore, and highly inconvenient as going up and down the stairs makes me want to install an escalator.  Why did the house we find have to put Logan in the basement?!

I'm writing this today as an acknowledgement to myself that I am taking steps in the direction of the kind of person I want to be as a wife, a mother, and an individual.  As I incorporate some things into a routine, I will slowly be able to bring more things in.  Doing the work out first will afford me the energy to do the rest in time.

I have a growing list of topics I'd like to blog about and am now fully confident that if I allow myself to take time to get there, I will be able to write daily.

I am continuously realizing just how special my life is and how much I have; two amazing little boys who adore each other, are sweet and smart, and who make home special.  And my husband who has shown me so many things; patience, understanding, how to be supportive, that being upset or angry isn't awful as long as you talk-and for that matter, in the end it isn't even worth it to be angry (still working on this one).  Really, I wouldn't be working out if not for him.  He's shown me that it's possible to do if during a busy life when you have someone there to help.

This is going to be good.

An Exercise in Patience and Perseverance.

*I will avoid screaming at the baby "YOU CAN SLEEP!  REALLY IT'S OKAY-AND YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT BEING HELD!"

*I will exercise even though I don't feel like it.

*I will clean the kitchen and put away the laundry for the thousandth time today....

*I will smile when I feel like crying.

*I will refrain from chucking the cats across the house when they wake me up during one of the few times I sleep at night.

*I will not eat Bread, I will not eat bread, I will not eat Bread.

*I will do something I want, even if it means I sleep less.  What's one less hour after all?

*I will take two deep breaths when Logan has tested me for the millionth time today.

*I will be more organized.

* I will be more thankful for what I have, because on my worst day I have it better than most people, including many I know.

*I will choose how I feel because who really wants to feel like crap?

* I will make more of an effort with friends no matter how busy my life is.

* I will strive to be more positive in general because the effects on myself, my life, and those around me will be amazing.

* I will remember I can only get what I give and cannot expect more.

* I will push myself because I am capable of more than what I have accomplished so far and it is worth it.

Happy living people!

Romance and LOVE, or LUUUUV

As my own relationship has hit a lovely new spot, I thought I would share some of the things I have found to work in my own relationship, along with a few things I have in my back pocket to pull out in the future.  As I've stated before, I do believe that what you put into life, you get out of it.  Am I great in implementing this?  Not as much as I'd like everyone to believe...but the area in my life where I have probably done the best at this is in my relationship, and trust me I have plenty of room for improvement.  I should be doing things daily, even if it's one tiny peck on the cheek.  My husband has been very patient with me however, and tells me daily that he is madly in love with me (Yes, I got super freaking lucky and I KNOW it).

In any case, what follows are some things you can try, or just laugh at how insanely corny I am, but I have never been one to much care, so here goes!  Love on, people!

1. One of the first things I'll mention is a website I've found called www.thedatingdivas.com
This is a wonderfully goofy, inventive place if you are needing help with day to day stuff.  There are date ideas, TONS of printable things from "Love Tickets" (like a parking ticket, but for luuuuuv), naughty suggestions for the bedroom if that's your thing, and romantic reminders for your special someone.  This is a vast website, and most of the printables are free, so check it out.  Very quick way to make your lover feel special and it's almost brainless.  Can't beat that.

2. I like to be crafty.  As such, I have taken to scrapbooking pictures from our wedding and honeymoon.  It is such a fun way to add even more personality to those events, and if you get really creative you will help you and your spouse to remember some of your best times and it will be a great way to showcase your relationship to your children and grandchildren one day.

3. Along with #2, and #1, I have made what I call our "Love book".  This was initially a gift I gave to my husband as his wedding present (we were barely making it to pay for the wedding and honeymoon, so I needed cheap).  But I'm lucky, because my husband is super sappy, so it worked for us.  I wrote down my memories of when we first met, and all the big moments leading up to that point in our life.  I left room for pictures and cards or love notes we had for those times to add another element to it.  I did fork out the money for a nice journal, but this is just a cute way to keep the special cards and notes you give each other.  My husband then added his account of memories and his thoughts/feelings for our one year anniversary.  Since then I've added to it as cute things come up.  We both love this, and I especially love re-reading the beginning because it's easy to forget how much in love you were at the start.

4. Now that I've mentioned it-TAKE PICTURES!  Don't live behind your camera, but make sure you have some visuals of your life together.  My husband has gifted me a photo album each Christmas of the past years pictures and I love it.  We go through it periodically with out little one and it's one more way to re-connect.

5. Since we're talking about putting effort into a relationship, let's just recognize it isn't always fun or goofy that is needed.  I'm sure you've heard of this book as it was everywhere for a while, but "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is another way to help you connect.  I think a lot of people just assume if you talk, you're communicating.  What I have come to find, however, is that when my husband says something, it is very easy for me to read something else entirely from it because of my past experiences and my own thoughts about a particular subject.  Now this book doesn't tell you how to overcome that, but it DOES help you understand how best to show your partner love.  This can be rather difficult if you would rather hear expressions of love, but your partner would rather feel love physically.  We tend to do the style that we, ourselves, want.  So if you're telling your partner how much you love them, but they needs hugs and hand holding (Among other things) to feel loved....well my friend, you've got a problem.  You can buy the book, or go to www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ and take the quiz yourself.  Make sure your spouse is on board as well, so you can both start making sure you show love the way it's needed.

6. Remember when you were a kid and you had a list ten pages long of all the stuff you were going to accomplish?  You had dreams, and you thought about them constantly.  You should do this still, but with your SO.  Where do you want to go on trips?  What kind of house would you live in if you could?  Was there something you always wanted to learn, and didn't?  Make your lists again and see what you have in common.  Some of your dreams might be lofty, but it's fun to dream.  Talk about what you would do if you went to Italy.  Then, decide if any of these dreams can be made into realistic goals.  Have something you can both work towards.  A common desire that you both try hard to make happen will bring you together.  Maybe you can take a class together.  Don't knock it!

7. Now, opposite of #6, make sure you both still have your own stuff.  As a human being, your identity is not just spouse/partner. You need to make sure you have time to yourself to do whatever it is you do.  Don't lose yourself!  And if, for some reason, you never found yourself before becoming a twosome, find something now.  It will be much more healthy for both of you, and will help rejuvenate you to be the best partner you can be!

8.  This one I have not yet done myself, but want to.  Write letters to your spouse, and seal them up.  On the front, write things such as "Open when you have had a bad day at work."  Or, "Open when you need a reminder of how much I love you."  Or even "Open when you are feeling madly in love with me."  Pour your heart into these.  Tell jokes.  Put silly pictures in.  Make a list of all the great things about your partner that you appreciate.  This one will take some effort, but it will be cherished for days/months to come.

9. And here we come to the best part.  You guys-HAVE SEX.  Whether missionary, or Kama Sutra style...with or without sexy clothing and/or toys...whether you role play or not-HAVE SEX.  Not only is it an amazing way to feel utterly connected to your loved one, it makes you feel good about the rest of your life as well.  It's exercise without feeling like it is, it makes you happier in general and relieves stress, and it can actually make you feel like you make more money than you do, and if that helps you not stress out about money in the middle of the night, then more power to you!

As you go through life, if you have that special person to share your time with, make sure you put in the effort.  Always be sincere in your attempts to be close, and make sure that whatever time you spend, it is quality time.  I know kids, work, money, and life in general make it hard to do this, but that's where these different suggestions come in.  If you can do a combination of even just some of these, you will feel much happier in your relationship.

Go forth with sappiness, and Happy loving!

New Mommyhood; the Second Time Around.

I recently gave birth to my second son, something my husband and I had been waiting for for over a year.  We wanted a baby and it took us several months to become pregnant.  Nine months later, in labor, I was ready for my life to change.

What I have found out is that the only thing ready was my heart.  My body, patience, firstborn son, mind, husband, and overall sanity were not.

I had many discussions with my eldest about what it was going to mean to have another baby.  At 6 years old, I thought he would be somewhat prepared as he had been around babies at his daycare and new they cried, needed smelly diapers changed, and had to have a lot of attention.  We talked about his being a big brother, and while he didn't do a jig about it, he seemed excited enough.  When the time came however, he acted out horribly, wanted nothing to do with his little brother, and his new favorite saying was "I think you don't love me anymore."  Great.

I thought labor was going to be this awesome experience to share with my husband as we had not gone through that together with my first.  Two hours in to major labor however, and we had not done any of the exercises we learned about in birthing class, and I already wanted the epidural.

Breastfeeding was going to be much easier because I remembered what it was like with my first and I was more assertive in telling the nurses what felt wrong and what I needed help with.  For the first week of his life, it took at least 20 minutes of trying to get him to latch at all, and then even longer to do it correctly so that my nipples didn't bleed and hurt so badly I contemplated punching a newborn.

While pregnant, I was sure I was going to get all sorts of things done at home when on maternity leave.  I have mostly spent my days feeding the baby and deciding between napping or trying to be productive.  I have gotten better at managing my time and the baby, but I worry about how the laundry will get done when I am back at work.  How much clutter will pile up when I don't have all day to pick up one or two things at a time as I'm passing by?  Will the kitchen EVER be clean?  How often will we eat real meals when I won't be home at all until 5:00 and quite possibly have to take at least half an hour to feed the baby all the while fighting with Logan to do his homework.  Then there's the part where I thought I would be able to find a balance and keep my sanity by scrapbooking or writing....Tomorrow Henry is one month old and this is the first time I am writing.  I have not scrapbooked...I feel like I can't take the time to do these things when there is still so much left to do in the house.

When Henry wakes from his naps, I have to stop what I'm doing because I am the titty bar and he very much likes to be stuck to me.  I cannot move around while he's eating which means for at least half an hour to an hour every 3 hours, I am completely non-productive.  I guess other than keeping a human being alive...But seriously, my husband is amazing and changes diapers and will burp Henry, but I have only had a handful of meals together with my family because he eats at an awful time and I need more support than the kitchen chair provides while feeding Henry.  Andrew does not have to get up in the middle of the night and be awake enough to feed him and burp him and changed his diaper, all the while wondering if you're going to be up at a decent time to feed him in the mid-morning hours when it's time to get the other one up for school.  And when I go back to work?  God help me I'll be crying all the way there for lack of sleep and frustration, and probably a shower.

I don't know.  I thought because I had a husband this time around and I had gone through it once before it would be easier.  But I was younger which meant I had more natural resolve to get through the day on less sleep.  I was able to lose weight easier.  Now it is not only hard to lose weight, but it is really easy to GAIN it.

So everyone-I do not think I have a point to this post other than showing through my personal account that first of all, nothing goes as planned (great cliche being true), and that being a mommy is hard and I really wish there was more to my identity right now, but for the time being it will have to suffice.

So the last time we went to the pool, I was faced with a problem.  Logan loves the pool, and loves making friends.  If there is a kid about his size that makes eye contact with him, he immediately asks their name and if they want to play.  I love his confidence and willingness to just put himself out there.  It took a couple years for him to do that.  He loves to play with others.  So I saw him latch on to a kid, and they followed each other around the slide, and all the water equipment at this particular pool.  At one point, they both came out of the slide about the same time, clutching their heads.  Logan’s lip was starting form a pout and I called him over to me.  I asked what had happened and found out that he was the one who went right after the other child.  He knows better.  I took him to our towels and let him cry a little bit but I also wanted to remind him of the rules, and reinforce that his pain right then was the reason why there are rules.  So he was fine and went back to playing. 

He lost the little boy he had been playing with earlier, so Logan opted for going down the slide a bunch.  Andrew and I sat at the edge of the pool watching him and enjoying the sun, and pretty soon we saw a larger child walking right past the line of kids to the entrance of the slide.  He did it over and over, at times touching on the shoulder whatever child he wanted to get in front of and saying something to them.  I was contemplating what my role might be in this situation.  And then he did it to my own kid.  Logan turned to look at me pathetically, asking for help without talking.  I didn’t know what to do.  The big kid was already heading down the slide, and I was remembering all the times I was taken advantage of and bullied while growing up.  My heart broke because I knew I was on the other end and it was my job to instill in my child a level of confidence most adults lack.  He came to me after coming down the slide.

Logan said nothing, but I asked him what the other kid had told him.  He was reluctant to tell me.  What to say?  “Logan, if he wants to get in line in front of you and asks, it’s okay for you to let him if you want to.  But if you want your turn and you don’t want to let him in front of you, it’s okay for you to say no.”  Logan has always been so polite and hates to disappoint people.  He nodded, and ran back up the stairs.  I watched again as the kid came up, touched Logan on the shoulder, say something to him, then promptly lunge slightly at Logan and stick his tongue out.  He stood in front of Logan, and the look on my son’s face this time enraged me.  I should have expected the kid would do that.  What a horrible experience for my son, to have stood up for himself and receive no gratification.  When he came over this time, I told him that sometimes people still won’t listen to you but that he should still tell them no. 

I don't know how to navigate this.  I was not ready for this part of parenting.  Well that seems stupid to say.  I've not really been ready for any of it.  The other stuff, however, I knew to expect.  I knew to read some books, or talk to other parents beforehand.  This is the first experience he'll have of many that will break my heart.  He will be on his own to deal with it more than any parent would like.  I was there that time, though.

I didn’t ever say anything to the kid.  I did not go over and talk to his mom when I saw him speaking with her before going back up the slide.  Even when he was still acting that way while she was watching.  I am ashamed of myself and I am afraid I sent my son mixed signals, or that he knows I let him down and will not trust me to protect him.  I was not sure what my place was.  I continue to expect other people to be decent human beings and am constantly thwarted in my thinking.  I know I handled it incorrectly.  I will not allow it to happen again.  I am writing this as an apology to my son, to the other kids on that slide who were taken advantage of, and to the child who was bullying because he has not been taught.  I am writing this as a vow that I will no longer stand by when I see injustice.  As a small addition to my last post, wasn't it such a letdown when you discovered just because someone is full grown, it doesn't make them an adult?  I'm trying.

I'm Just Starting

So I sat down this weekend and made a list.  I listed all of the personal things I’d like to do.  I listed all of the friggin things that need to get done around the house on a weekly basis.  I listed all of the exercising I’d like to do in a week. I then assigned a time frame each day, and/or a day of the week to do them all.  I did this because I have, historically, been terrible at managing my time.  Really all that means is that I’m super lazy and would much rather sit on my ass watching the Big Bang Theory, or even just sleeping.  But I have gained weight and I think my son is starting to resent me.  Plus I kind of decided I would become a gardener so I need to be watering and pruning and praying to the gods for a good crop.  So, at present, I have yet to implement said list.  To any degree.  Well that’s not true.  I’m writing right now!  That was one of my goals.  And I put away some dishes yesterday; I also folded one whole basket of laundry.  Of course I didn’t then put the laundry away but I’m told it’s all about the baby steps so I’m not sweating.

In any case I really do want to get better at managing my time and if that means I have to make a freakin list and follow it, even to just do the things I want to, then that’s what I’ll do.  At 27 maybe I’ll finally become an adult.  You know, one of those mystical creatures you hear of.  ‘Hey!  That guy is 39, he’s an adult!  Never mind that he still lives with his parents and shares a bathroom with his 5 cats.  His job at the Burger King is going to take him places!’  Wasn’t it such a letdown when you realized that just because a person is over the age of 18, it doesn’t really make him an adult?  What is the definition of an adult anyway?  Def # one states: ‘having attained full size and strength; grown up; mature.’  Has everything to do with physical attributes, and nothing to do with mental.  I guess that’s our answer.  Technically you’re an adult once you reach adult size.  Of course that begs the question, what is full size and strength?  Am I to assume then that midgets, based on a technicality, are never adults?  Well that doesn’t quite seem fair.  I guess they can’t ride most rides at theme parks.  Hey!  That constitutes full size.  I think it’s 48 inches, which is only 4’ tall.  Anyway, I digress.  A lot.  I only mean to point out that it takes work to be alive, and to be considered an adult.  As with everything, it doesn’t just happen.

This should be just about the biggest cosmological DUH out there, yet I have met many people who seem to think that the universe just dumps into their lap whatever it wants to.  That there is nothing they themselves can do to change the course of their lives.  I firmly believe everything that happens is a direct result of the choices you’ve made, OR you’ve got a lesson to learn and you had better get on it, or that toe is going to keep getting stubbed, your lawn will keep dying, or you’ll keep seeing that black cat everywhere you go.  The point is you can have a pretty darn good life if you want to and you work at it.  I’ll add, with much snarkiness-that old saying of, nothing worth having comes easy.  Trust me though, I’m not some Buddah who has it all figured out.  If you think I’m not grumbling as I struggle through a minute long plank and hating every millisecond, you’ve lost your marbles and they're being used to freak people out at the end of MIB. 

What is my point?  I suppose what I want to say is simply that you can always improve, and you should.  It's always the right time to figure yourself out and do what you want.  So I am going to just decide to change.  Mostly because I don't yet like well enough the person I've come to be.  Again, though 27 means I've been an adult for years and years because I grew to be the size I am now when I was about 14, I don't have to except that this is just where I am.  I have a choice, and I choose to be better.

It is what it is.

Lately I seem to be having trouble with something that I feel is very fundamental to life.  At one point in my life, I felt the way I wish I could feel again.  Was my life perfect, with everything falling into place to make a utopia?  Not really.  I was coming to the end of the relationship I was in at the time; I could see that the end may be near.  I was in school, and not really loving it.  I wasn't doing well.  My job was somewhat lacking in integrity.

Yet, somehow, I lived for a time in seemingly perfect peace.  I knew I wasn't where I wanted to be.  I knew there was pain in my future.  There were many changes I needed to make.  But I felt suspended in moment.  And I don't mean I felt that way for a short moment.  I'd wager it was a solid month where I knew that despite my current circumstances, everything would be okay.  I felt radiant in this knowledge that no matter what was happening in the world, to me, to those I knew, it would all be okay.  Even if what happened was terrible.  I don't mean to imply I thought my life would be perfect.  I just knew that whether good or bad, whatever was to happen, would come, and I would get through it.  I was strong.  I thought so many things were possible.

Since then, I got pregnant after an indescribably short time with the wrong man.  Immediately before that, I was raped.  I feel mostly past those things.  Though, six years in the past, it will still rock me.  I cannot quite seem to enjoy my formerly favorite time of year.  Right when spring is starting.  Even before the green replenishes.  The sun is coming and there are days of mild cold but with the promise of warmth.  The light at the end of that blasted tunnel.

A cousin of mine died recently.  I did not know him well.  He was older than me and moved away when I was still young.  He was murdered.  I think about it and I become so filled with rage; filled with extreme pain.  At my job I must take claims for those who have passed.  I internalize.  I read the news of girls who are assaulted, then bullied.  No justice is brought for them and they are surrounded by immature people who are so out of tune with what it means to be alive....to just be human.  I become immobilized.  I feel small.  I feel hopeless.  I read of children being killed.  I see on the news parents finding out their child has been killed by watching the others still alive be reunited with their parents and being told there are no more families to be made whole.  I see an entire world of people detached.  Not caring.  'It's not me.'  Either thankful they must not go through it, or remaining naive by just ignoring it.  'It's not me.'

Where is there a sense of community?  A sense of ownership?  I have friends who are with people who treat them like crap.  They don't have the self-esteem to get out and the other doesn't have the guts to just be alone.  They get their kicks out of making others feel small.  Power.  That's what assault is.  That's what staying ignorant is.  Anything to make sure you're more important that someone else.  What about humility?  What about realizing we're all just the same person trying to make it in the world without feeling like dying?  Who can we trust?  There are the corrupt everywhere you turn.  I didn't used to feel this way.  There was a time I knew I could make it.  There was a time I didn't think that everything was going the wrong way.  Was I naive?  Was I ignorant?  Was I just foolishly thinking that though I felt I could handle it, no wrong would ever befall me?  What am I supposed to tell past self?  Do I look at her and scoff at the childish notion, or is it still something to strive for?  How can I get that back when all around me I see things crumbling.

It's hopeless.  I don't want to feel this way.  I am responsible for bringing up a child of my own.  How am I supposed to teach him about the world?  How do I teach him humility, and responsibility?  How do I reconcile for him that he should be safe, but that really he isn't?  How do I stop the fear from ruling?  How do I instill in him faith in himself and self-esteem?  How do I make sure he treats others exactly as we all should treat each other-as people just trying to live.  I don't have the answers.  I don't have anything close to an answer.  Yet I'm supposed to be doing this, right now.

I don't know what it was that gave me the clarity I once had.  I wish I could forgive.  Wouldn't that be crazy?  What if I just said-I forgive you Caleb, and really meant it?  Or Ricardo.  I forgive you, too?  What about myself?  For making mistakes.  For bringing myself to where I am?  Boy that would just be the funniest.