I recently gave birth to my second son, something my husband and I had been waiting for for over a year. We wanted a baby and it took us several months to become pregnant. Nine months later, in labor, I was ready for my life to change.
What I have found out is that the only thing ready was my heart. My body, patience, firstborn son, mind, husband, and overall sanity were not.
I had many discussions with my eldest about what it was going to mean to have another baby. At 6 years old, I thought he would be somewhat prepared as he had been around babies at his daycare and new they cried, needed smelly diapers changed, and had to have a lot of attention. We talked about his being a big brother, and while he didn't do a jig about it, he seemed excited enough. When the time came however, he acted out horribly, wanted nothing to do with his little brother, and his new favorite saying was "I think you don't love me anymore." Great.
I thought labor was going to be this awesome experience to share with my husband as we had not gone through that together with my first. Two hours in to major labor however, and we had not done any of the exercises we learned about in birthing class, and I already wanted the epidural.
Breastfeeding was going to be much easier because I remembered what it was like with my first and I was more assertive in telling the nurses what felt wrong and what I needed help with. For the first week of his life, it took at least 20 minutes of trying to get him to latch at all, and then even longer to do it correctly so that my nipples didn't bleed and hurt so badly I contemplated punching a newborn.
While pregnant, I was sure I was going to get all sorts of things done at home when on maternity leave. I have mostly spent my days feeding the baby and deciding between napping or trying to be productive. I have gotten better at managing my time and the baby, but I worry about how the laundry will get done when I am back at work. How much clutter will pile up when I don't have all day to pick up one or two things at a time as I'm passing by? Will the kitchen EVER be clean? How often will we eat real meals when I won't be home at all until 5:00 and quite possibly have to take at least half an hour to feed the baby all the while fighting with Logan to do his homework. Then there's the part where I thought I would be able to find a balance and keep my sanity by scrapbooking or writing....Tomorrow Henry is one month old and this is the first time I am writing. I have not scrapbooked...I feel like I can't take the time to do these things when there is still so much left to do in the house.
When Henry wakes from his naps, I have to stop what I'm doing because I am the titty bar and he very much likes to be stuck to me. I cannot move around while he's eating which means for at least half an hour to an hour every 3 hours, I am completely non-productive. I guess other than keeping a human being alive...But seriously, my husband is amazing and changes diapers and will burp Henry, but I have only had a handful of meals together with my family because he eats at an awful time and I need more support than the kitchen chair provides while feeding Henry. Andrew does not have to get up in the middle of the night and be awake enough to feed him and burp him and changed his diaper, all the while wondering if you're going to be up at a decent time to feed him in the mid-morning hours when it's time to get the other one up for school. And when I go back to work? God help me I'll be crying all the way there for lack of sleep and frustration, and probably a shower.
I don't know. I thought because I had a husband this time around and I had gone through it once before it would be easier. But I was younger which meant I had more natural resolve to get through the day on less sleep. I was able to lose weight easier. Now it is not only hard to lose weight, but it is really easy to GAIN it.
So everyone-I do not think I have a point to this post other than showing through my personal account that first of all, nothing goes as planned (great cliche being true), and that being a mommy is hard and I really wish there was more to my identity right now, but for the time being it will have to suffice.
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