is Parenthood. THis week's episode hit me pretty close to home. I can empathise with almost every episode. My son is only three and a half, and I'm not even married yet, but I have a family. While I was pregnant, I had lots of fears. I didn't think I would have a husband this soon. I didn't think Logan would have someone as a father. When I pictured myself getting married, it was with a 15 year old Logan walking me down the aisle. I feared I wouldn't be a very good parent. I feared that I would be insufficient. I still have some of those fears but they are much less with Andrew here bu my side.
Watching this latest epsiode though, I was watching a fictional teenage girl getting her heart broken for the first time. I watched, and realized I broke the heart of my first boyfriend. I knew that when the girl's mom talked to her and the girl finally divulged her relationship was over, that the mom was sad for her daughter, but mostly happy that she was able to be there for her intelligent, self-sufficient child. Because even though he's only three, my son has his own thoughts. He doesn't want a kiss from me hardly ever, and tonight for the first time in months and months, he wanted me to kiss his hand that he had hurt on a toothpick. I was so happy that he wanted me I could have cried.
The patriarchs of this fictional family have had their own ups and downs. Tonight was rather poignant to my own life. While I love Andrew and support him, and want to always be happy for him, I realized that the jealousy and self-pity the grandmother was feeling was similar to my own. Watching my successful fiance writing for a popular website and having loyal followers has been hard for me. I went to school to get a degree in English and have yet to be published at all, on any degree. I write this blog which, so far, has yet to be read by anybody but him, really. I feel inferior and a failure. I love seeing his success, but it also reminds me all the time of my lack of the same. You're reading this, honey, and I want you to know that I want to hear about your articles. I love that you write. I know you're passionate about baseball, and you have a very good ability to write. I'm just sharing my thoughts.
I'll end this tonight by saying only that if you are part of a faimly, please don't let stupid shit like life get in the way of love and the importance and support.
Libby, I read it too and I think you have a wonderful voice. I love you and your drive and individuality will go so far in life. Just remember to work towards that goal.
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